Monday, June 15, 2009

Nature Series – Fishing

Books that contain all manner of world records like Guinness, Harp, Beamish and Murphy’s all state unequivocally that fishing, in all its mind-numbing forms, is the most boring activity in the history of the universe. It is more boring than waiting for a star to die, writing a doctoral thesis on the diphthongs of sub-Saharan African tribes, or talking to a woman.

The first thing you have to do is go to the local live bait and insurance shop and purchase “night crawlers”. Why are they called that? Presumably they only move at night. Let me inform the laymen out there that these things are simply worms and they can move in daylight. They move slow like a fisherman who has gotten a double dose of heat stroke from the dying star in the sky and the indirect UV rays that are bouncing into his face off the corrugated metal skiff he's floating on, which incidentally has thousands of species of insect living in it at all times, many of which fly and sting unsuspecting sloths (fisherman) while they waste away their lives staring at a curly, nylon string and a colorful ball bouncing in the water for hours. In fishing, watching the bobber is the acme of excitement. Some will say it's catching a fish but lets face it most people don’t catch fish unless you call those little silver babies that float in the water like a flaccid penis in a filled bathtub, fish. 

Now get your pole greased up and you’re ready to dive right in. Oh wait this isn’t an article on porn. Apologies.

So get your engine revved up, grab your rudder and pull in a direction. Oh wait…again not an article on porn. Sorry.

Assuming you were able to get it in the water and get on without capsizing, your skiff is now sailing the high lakes looking for the best spots. Gas and oil release into the water from your rusty engine, which helps kill the fish you aren’t going to catch. Irony. Some use a boat with oars. This requires actual muscle movement and a level of activity that doesn’t really mesh with the cardinal rule of fishing, which is to do absolutely nothing for enormous amounts of time.

You’ve found the perfect spot. Now move your rod around. Oops….sorry.

Occasionally, you will reel in the line. I assume this is done so your heart wont continue to beat so slowly that you go into a Buddhist trance. It could also be to try to trick the fish into thinking the worm is alive, which it very well may be, even though you’ve impaled it on a non-sterilized hook (like a medieval torturer does to a starving peasant that dared to steal a piece of stale bread from the kitchen of the High Sheriff) and probably drowned it by casting it into the water. Needless to say, angling wont work either and you will then have to cast out again which expends a ton of energy for a fisherman due to their decreased heart rate, heat stroke, constant insect attacks and epic boredom.

If it rains you can avoid the heat stroke but you will have to wear yellow, oilskin outfits that look cool on a commercial fisherman but look really stupid on you. Rain is pretty boring but combine rain with fishing and you have a recipe for disaster. Who says you can’t die of boredom?

I’m not going to go on. You should be sufficiently bored even contemplating fishing. This is a stupid activity. Unless you’re starving on a deserted island, living off the land like the uni-bomber, or are trying to avoid talking to a woman, fishing is utterly and certifiably pointless. Don’t do it. Don’t let others do it. Friends don’t let friends fish.  

Moby Dick 

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Nature Series – The Woods

Apparently, there are people who enjoy walking around aimlessly in the woods. Maybe these people feel disconnected from nature. Maybe they feel the urge to see the king’s deer. They’ve heard about them. They may have even eaten one of them on occasion. But to actually see one or put a bullet in one; that is ecstasy.

Do you feel disconnected from nature? Concrete is also nature. I know it doesn’t really seem like it is but trust me it is. Nature made concrete for feeble, out-of-shape, easily infected, soft and pasty skinned beings like you. Use it! Why walk in mud, risk being infected by poisonous vegetation, animal waste or blood-sucking insects with pincers designed specifically to pierce your weak, not-ready-for-the-forest flesh? I like walking as much as the next biped but walking in the forest is unnecessary, dangerous and ultimately an act of trespass. Let’s face it; the forest is for animals incapable of abstract thought and not for us. Now I am aware that many humans are also incapable of abstract thought but I am generalizing here to make a point. You have no business being in a forest as a human unless you are going to rape it by cutting down its trees to make packaging for products you don’t need, kill its animals to feed your carnivorous blood-thirsty craving for a venison burger or burning it to make way for strip malls and cookie-cutter, box like aluminum sided housing that you can sell for exorbitant prices to unsuspecting capitalists that actually believe that they now “own” a home.

There’s a reason people used to live only 30 years back in the dark ages. It’s because they lived in the forest and died quickly because even then humans could not withstand infected meat, the elements, disease-carrying insects or rabid creatures out for their blood. Even then they needed concrete and mass deforestation techniques. They didn’t have them but you do. Take advantage of the extra 40 or 50 years progress has afforded you.

 If you like disease carrying ticks, mosquitoes, animal feces, twisted ankles, bird noises, bone-chilling dampness, rodents, coyotes, wolves, country bumpkins firing guns indiscriminately, poison ivy, poison mushrooms, dead diseased birds, rotting, smelly animal carcasses or mud the forest is the place for you.

Do you really want this thing on your body?

I suggest you find a nice concrete walk in your local park or preserve making sure the trees and all the critters that inhabit them are a safe distance from your weak constitution. 

Forest Ranger

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Kashmir , Cashmere, Kazmir – What’s the Difference?


It is a region in northern India, western China and eastern Pakistan. This area has been in dispute between idiots of the Muslim faith and idiots of the Hindu faith for 600 million years without resolution. Idiots of other faiths are not directly involved as far as I know. The dispute is scheduled to end when the Sun supernovas and swallows up these morons in a huge fireball about 5 billion years from now. Speaking of idiots, that is also when the Palestinian-Israeli conflict is scheduled to end.
Tourism from the West was frequent during the 19th century but has ended due to the fact that if a Westerner goes there now it will be a one-way trip. I urge you never to visit this region because a) you’re American and both sides will stop their fighting immediately to form a temporary alliance. Its only aim will be to end your life b) there is no toilet paper c) your life is worth less than the family goat d) if you don’t die from the religious fanatics, zealots and idiots (redundancy) you may die from the food.


This is an expensive fabric used to make sweaters and scarves that only rich people can afford. They buy this because it’s soft and luxurious, because they want to flaunt their affluence in our hungry, dirty serf faces and because they want to be as warm as a Sherpa ensconced in a Himalayan yak pelt.
China is the largest producer of cashmere and not the region of Kashmir. So I propose we rename this unaffordable fabric chinamere. Why should the Kashmir region get credit? They have enough press from their idiotic conflict. Here’s a typical exchange:
“It’s my land”
“No! It’s my land”
“I kill you infidel”
“I kill you usurper”
“Usurper? What is this word? I do not know this word”
“Well it is an English word. It means to take a position of power by force”
“I am no usurper! This is my land. I kill you”
“No! It is my land. I kill you!”
It’s time for chinamere to take its rightful place with the other great fabrics of the world like polyester. There is no need to buy chinamere anything. I urge you to avoid this fabric. It’s way overpriced, it can’t be machine-washed and it’s totally bourgeoisie. 


This is the last name of a fireballing southpaw pitcher from the Tampa Bay Rays named Scott. They used to be called the Devil Rays but idiots of the Christian faith probably complained. As far as I know the idiots of the other faiths didn’t give a crap what this team was called. To them all Americans are devils anyway.
Scott Kazmir has never been to Kashmir but probably makes enough money to afford cashmere (chinamere) and really loves the Led Zeppelin song. He thinks it was written about him.
I would urge any baseball general manager to think thrice before giving this guy a big contract when he becomes a free agent because a) he throws a lot of pitches and can’t go deep into a ball game which will tax the bullpen reducing its effectiveness and costing the team wins b) he could be killed by an extremist group from the region of Kashmir for usurping (I kill you!) the name of their beloved country in which case the investment in him will be wasted c) you may have a Kazmir day at the ballpark and people will either 1) come expecting to get a free sweater or 2) show up wearing a cashmere sweater and die of heat stroke because it’s usually pretty warm during baseball season or die of a beating administered by the angry Proletariat waiting outside the stadium.

These are the differences. Let’s all just avoid Kashmir, Cashmere, Kazmir as much as possible. Don’t be a part of the problem be a part of the growing movement to rid the world of Kashmir, Cashmere, Kazmir.

Monday, March 9, 2009

What's G?

What’s G?
It is a clever marketing tool where the goal is to enshroud whatever useless and unnecessary product is being sold, in mystery.

What’s G?
It’s a collection of really cool black people hamming it up for the camera with occasional token white chicks thrown in. Usually commercials have a token black guy but they’ve turned this whole thing around by having really cool black dudes like Wade, Jeter and Cassius Clay (He’s Muhammad Ali now. His momma call him Clay! He Clay to me!!) that are very popular in fantasy sports drafts (Wade), clubs where whores hang out looking for rich athletes to bang (Jeter), and with the three boxing enthusiasts left on Earth (Ali/Clay). I’m not exactly sure who the women in the commercial are. One looks like my dental hygienist. The others are, presumably, chicks that Jeter has had sex with.

What’s G?
Maybe it’s the three buffoons at the end of the commercial, with the Jason Voorhees masks, that look eerily similar to Alex’s white-clad droogs in Clockwork Orange if they grew up and became hip-hop artists. The only thing they’re missing is the enormous testicle holders the droogs wore.
(Tell us G boy. What didst thou in those testicle holders….have!).

What’s G?
My first reaction was that it was some kind of erectile dysfunction drug. Those commercials are as vague as the lyrics of a Yes song and so was this one. But then I saw Jeter and thought maybe it was a libido inhibitor drug.

What’s G?
That’s easy. It’s the 7th letter in the alphabet. There are many great words that begin with it like: G-String, G-Cup, G-spot, and Gporn (the G is silent), etc. Seven and its alphabetical equal (G) is a very significant number in many religious cultures like:
  • Judaism – the number of days it took God to create the world and the number of Jewish women that are not annoying.
  • Hinduism – the number of Chakras and the number of Hindus that haven’t bathed in the Ganges.
  • Christianity – the number of days it took God to create the world and the number of Vatican cardinals that have not considered engaging in pederasty.
  • Islam – the number of heavens and the number of (insert your own joke here because if I do some Imam will issue a Fatwa against me).

It is also considered lucky. We are not so lucky because we are constantly bombarded with this stupid commercial.

It seems that there is more than one of these G commercials. I’m not going to watch any more of them. I urge you to do the same and avoid whatever product is being peddled. If they don’t have enough respect for you to tell you what they are selling then you should not have enough respect for them to buy their product.
What is D?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Leave Your Baby's Penis Alone

If you are stupid enough to have children (and you probably are) you will be given a choice at the hospital if your child happens to be male. A guy in blue pajamas is going to ask you if you would like to have him mutilate your newborn son by slicing off part of his penis. Do not give your consent for this inhumane procedure and here’s why:

The American Medical Association and European Medical Associations do not recommend this barbaric behavior and feel it is totally unnecessary. However, certain archaic belief systems and their brainwashed clergy, acolytes and laity ritually mutilate newborn children without their consent and have somehow convinced Americans to do the same. Just because something has been done for centuries based on rules set forth in some ancient text of unknown authorship does not mean that it has to be done in our modern scientific world. Pederasty was an accepted practice by the ancient Greeks. Do you accept that today? Hell no unless you’re a Roman priest. Reject circumcision.

Only 30% of males are mutilated at birth so if you have this done to your heir then he will be part of a minority group and I know you don’t want that for your child. No one likes minorities. If you don’t want your rights trampled on you better be in the majority you foreskin-lacking fool.

Male circumcision is a vast conspiracy of feminist groups to symbolically castrate males in order for them to one day take over the world and create an Amazonian Utopia where males are paid less for equal work, forced to cook and clean, valued only for their beauty and considered less intelligent. Does that sound familiar? Let’s make sure we keep the status quo on this one. After all this is a patriarchal society. The penis is important and it needs every inch of its skin. Hedwig only had one inch and look how depressed he was.

American women, who are used to the mutilated penis, will think your son’s looks weird. This could be beneficial. It makes him memorable. He stands out. Instead of spending money on peacocking accessories like leather bracelets, rings, necklaces, tattoos, stylish clothes and shoes, a BMW etc to attract them (so he can ultimately be tricked into marriage and children) all he has to do is show them his uncircumcised penis and he will be one up on those football helmet penis guys. He will be in like Flynt thus increasing his chances of making you a grandfather and perpetuating the misery and hopelessness that is human life.

Hospitals keep all the foreskins and eventually recycle by using them in plastic surgery procedures. Do you want part of your son’s penis to end up on Michael Jackson’s nose? Joan Rivers’ cheek? Some starlet’s breasts? (Actually, that’s not a bad fate) You probably don’t. What if someone steals the foreskins and makes a skin suit out of them like the guy in Silence of the Lambs? “It rubs the lotion on its penis” “It puts the foreskin in the basket”

America! Beacon of Light in the Darkness! I beseech you to stop this primitive, ritualistic behavior. End circumcision now. thanks you and the penises of your unborn sons thank you. 

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Why Chicago Sucks (Part 3 of 3 )

My epic ends with the final 5 reasons to leave Chicago.  Goodbye and good luck if you do not heed my warnings.

Jacket Collectors Rejoice!
– You need a minimum of seven jackets to live in this city.
  1. Heavy Michelin Man jacket – this thing needs to be impenetrable and ugly. If you get shot while wearing this the bullet should be able to bounce right off you and hit the assailant who probably wont die either because he will have this same jacket on. It can withstand Arctic temperatures, which tend to be milder than Chicago generally. 
  2. Medium Heavy Style jacket – This has to withstand similar temperatures as jacket #1 but it has to be stylish so you can wear it when going out on those warm Chicago winter nights where the temperature is cold enough to keep Walt Disney from thawing out. It won’t fully protect you like the Michelin jacket but it’s better to look good than to feel good.
  3. Rain Coat – This jacket needs to be made out of some sort of synthetic fibre that allows water to run off it like it would a duck’s back. You can also use this jacket if you take trips to Seattle or the British Isles. Don’t underestimate the rain factor in Chicago. Get yourself one of these.
  4. Medium Light Style jacket – This is for above freezing temperatures when you want to go out on the thawed town and get hammered so you can relive the highlight of your life - college. 
  5. Medium Light Style-less jacket – This is a jacket for when you just need to go to the store to get some cheese and don’t want to style it up too much. It has to look somewhat presentable but chicks/dudes shouldn’t give you a second look. 
  6. Light Style jacket – This is when the thermometer is approaching temperatures found in normal cities where people who aren’t stupid enough to live in Chicago reside. Wear this to a bar or to the date with the gold digging bitch/lying to get in your pants dude you met on 
  7. Light Style-less jacket – In a normal city you wouldn’t even need this jacket but because of the incessant wind in Chicago you will still need some sort of jacket even when it’s 60 degrees outside (which is not often) to go to the gym so you can pretend to work out while staring at chick's/guy's asses or to pick up your shirts at the dry cleaners which you could have washed and ironed yourself but would rather pay a Korean to do it for you.
I wont bother including all the scarves, sweatshirts, umbrellas, animal pelts and various hats you will also need to survive. Basically you need a U-Haul full of this crap to live in Chicago.

The Chicago Cubs – This team has destroyed the psyche of this city for a few decades now. If you need a reason why Chicago sucks, I give you the Chicago Cubs. A team with a run down, condemnable stadium, a fan base of alcoholic schoolboys and a losing streak of Homerian proportions. Yeah Chicago sucking goes hand in hand with the Cubs sucking. They are locked in a death embrace and neither is coming out alive.

The Bean – We have this pseudo-cultural area here called Millennium Park. The reason it’s called that is because even 1000 years from now this place will not even be remotely cultural. The crown jewel in this hodge-podge of embarrassing non-cultural mishmash is the bean. It is a polished steel monolith that you can see your reflection in and yes it looks like a kidney bean. Thanks but I’m hideous and I don’t want to see myself reflected in a horrible piece of “art” when taking a relaxing stroll in the grand wonder that is Chicago culture. I’ll give up one of my kidneys if they will just get rid of this thing. Now you know where all your tax dollars are going. They go to build monstrosities like The Bean ladies and gentlemen. There’s a leaning tower YMCA in Niles, IL that looks like the leaning tower of Pisa. It is much more interesting than this and they have a great motto – “Where People Count”. Most people that are educated in Chicago can’t count so Niles, IL is probably preferable.

Crime – Plenty of crime here if you’re into that sort of thing. Tons of ghettos, poor people looking for your cash, violent gangs, sexual predators hiding in the bushes and one of the murder capitols of the world. Anarchy is alive and well in Chicago. Just check out the West side if you don’t believe me. Come to Chicago for the beautiful skyline and the great museums. Stay for the poverty, crime and hopelessness of our urban jungle.

The (dis)Taste of Chicago – If you want disgusting, fattening junk food we have many restaurants for you to choose from. Once a year in the Summer (winter) they all congregate at a festival called The Taste of Chicago. You can go there and experience the culture of meat fried in grease so black and thick that they use it to fill the potholes in the Winter (winter). I think you can get vegetables there too but they are deep fried in lard or low-grade synthetic chocolate or cheese. Do you like being thin and attractive? If you answered yes don’t live or eat in this city.

I strongly disencourage you from moving to this city, living in this city, contemplating moving to this city, lying to people about how great it is to live here, etc. Chicago needs to be emptied out like Detroit, maybe razed to the ground to make room for farmland.
The city is named Smelly Onion for god’s sake. That’s what Chicago means. Literally, the word means striped skunk but referred to the wild leek. A leek is in the onion family: the smelly onion family. Chicago stinks all right. It stinks badly. Get out while you can. It was voted one of the most miserable cities in the country for a reason. And the reason is simple. Chicago Sucks!
Let’s All Leave Chicago Society

Monday, February 16, 2009

Why Chicago Sucks (Part 2 of 3 )

So you're still living in Chicago? A masochist you are. A glutton for punishment you are. I love speaking like Yoda. Here are some more reasons why we should all move and let the archaeologists and sociologists figure out why we left. They can write books about it with titles like:
The Lost Cities of Detroit and Chicago: Why They Should Remain Lost
The Second Exodus: Why Chicago Politicians Had No One Left To Screw
I'd Rather Live In The Desert For 40 Years: A Chicago Tale
It's Not Only Onions and Europeans That Stink: The Non-Deodorized City of Chicago
Chicago: Perpetual Ice Age

Revenue Bandits – They actually have people (that are paid by the city) whose only job is to steal your money. Their bright vests actually say REVENUE on them but really they should say THIEF. Did you park too close to a sidewalk even though there’s no sign stating you can’t park? Too bad. That’s $50. Would you like to dispute the ticket? I’m sorry but we don’t actually have any humans available to help you. Why don’t you just pay us the $50 we just extorted from you so we don’t have to ruin your credit and send you to collection? But hey we really love that you are a part of our city. Thanks for being a Chicagoan. Love the scumbags at Revenue. Love them! Don’t park here, don’t park there. Don’t turn here. Don’t turn there. Oh I’m sorry the parking meter just ran out a minute ago. That’s $100. You forgot to put your quarter in but we are going to charge you 400 times that amount. We think that’s fair. 

Pot Abysses – Due to the abysmal weather, Chicago has substandard streets filled with all sorts of booby traps. The most enjoyable of these is the pothole. I’ve been in some that are so deep that homeless guys live in them. If you want to damage your shocks or just simply crack one of your axles this is a city you want to drive in. The solution from the city is to send some guys in a truck and shovel some black stuff into the hole and then pat it down real tight. One guy does this while three other guys watch. They all make more money than you and got their jobs through patronage. Eventually, the black stuff comes out of the hole again because cars are rolling over it constantly and the homeless guy that lives down there has to dig out so he can breathe.

Construction Season – One of the jokes around these parts is how we have two seasons: winter and construction. I wish this were a joke but it isn’t. You will get nowhere driving around this city. I repeat: you will get nowhere. If it isn’t blizzard conditions, heavy rain, some combination of both or gaper’s delays (this is when people stare at the human carnage at the side of the road after an accident instead of continuing to drive) it will be incessant, interminable construction of the highways and byways that will never, ever end until the sun supernovas and swallows up this meaningless little planet. So your commute is going to be long my friend. LONG. Even on the five days a year that we have excellent driving conditions. Not only will you waste a minimum of 8 hours a day working (probably more due to the ludicrous “Midwestern work ethic”) but you will also waste another 2 hours a day trying to get to and from the cotton fields where you work to pay for the overpriced, heavily taxed, energy inefficient dump you live in.

Property Taxes – So you want to buy a home in this suckhole of a city? Great, but you will have to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars each year to the city and county for land that you own. That’s right you own it. Or so they tell you but really you own nothing. They own it and the bank owns it and they own you. In the meantime, unemployment in Chicago is generally higher than other cities and you can't sell your house anymore because nobody’s buying this overpriced garbage built by bankrupt builders that used cheap materials and left all the owners owing thousands in unpaid assessments. But despite all this the property taxes do not drop. The mayor and the cook county board president need new cars and their retarded cousin needs a lucrative city job so pay up sucker.