Sunday, April 19, 2009

Kashmir , Cashmere, Kazmir – What’s the Difference?


It is a region in northern India, western China and eastern Pakistan. This area has been in dispute between idiots of the Muslim faith and idiots of the Hindu faith for 600 million years without resolution. Idiots of other faiths are not directly involved as far as I know. The dispute is scheduled to end when the Sun supernovas and swallows up these morons in a huge fireball about 5 billion years from now. Speaking of idiots, that is also when the Palestinian-Israeli conflict is scheduled to end.
Tourism from the West was frequent during the 19th century but has ended due to the fact that if a Westerner goes there now it will be a one-way trip. I urge you never to visit this region because a) you’re American and both sides will stop their fighting immediately to form a temporary alliance. Its only aim will be to end your life b) there is no toilet paper c) your life is worth less than the family goat d) if you don’t die from the religious fanatics, zealots and idiots (redundancy) you may die from the food.


This is an expensive fabric used to make sweaters and scarves that only rich people can afford. They buy this because it’s soft and luxurious, because they want to flaunt their affluence in our hungry, dirty serf faces and because they want to be as warm as a Sherpa ensconced in a Himalayan yak pelt.
China is the largest producer of cashmere and not the region of Kashmir. So I propose we rename this unaffordable fabric chinamere. Why should the Kashmir region get credit? They have enough press from their idiotic conflict. Here’s a typical exchange:
“It’s my land”
“No! It’s my land”
“I kill you infidel”
“I kill you usurper”
“Usurper? What is this word? I do not know this word”
“Well it is an English word. It means to take a position of power by force”
“I am no usurper! This is my land. I kill you”
“No! It is my land. I kill you!”
It’s time for chinamere to take its rightful place with the other great fabrics of the world like polyester. There is no need to buy chinamere anything. I urge you to avoid this fabric. It’s way overpriced, it can’t be machine-washed and it’s totally bourgeoisie. 


This is the last name of a fireballing southpaw pitcher from the Tampa Bay Rays named Scott. They used to be called the Devil Rays but idiots of the Christian faith probably complained. As far as I know the idiots of the other faiths didn’t give a crap what this team was called. To them all Americans are devils anyway.
Scott Kazmir has never been to Kashmir but probably makes enough money to afford cashmere (chinamere) and really loves the Led Zeppelin song. He thinks it was written about him.
I would urge any baseball general manager to think thrice before giving this guy a big contract when he becomes a free agent because a) he throws a lot of pitches and can’t go deep into a ball game which will tax the bullpen reducing its effectiveness and costing the team wins b) he could be killed by an extremist group from the region of Kashmir for usurping (I kill you!) the name of their beloved country in which case the investment in him will be wasted c) you may have a Kazmir day at the ballpark and people will either 1) come expecting to get a free sweater or 2) show up wearing a cashmere sweater and die of heat stroke because it’s usually pretty warm during baseball season or die of a beating administered by the angry Proletariat waiting outside the stadium.

These are the differences. Let’s all just avoid Kashmir, Cashmere, Kazmir as much as possible. Don’t be a part of the problem be a part of the growing movement to rid the world of Kashmir, Cashmere, Kazmir.