Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The 10 Commandments Revised for the Modern Age

  1. You shall have no other gods before me unless it is the god of the Mindless Pursuit of Money, Sex and Power no matter whom it hurts.
  2. You shall not make for yourself an idol unless it is the blind worship and unquestioning belief in your lying, two-faced immoral leaders.
  3. You shall not take the Lord’s name in vain unless you are shouting it out loud right before you murder innocent people in His name.
  4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Listen to their records every Saturday while you’re watching college football. (note 1)
  5. Honor your father and mother unless they pawn you off to some Salvadoran nanny, stick you in some day care center to be raised by strangers or verbally berate you until you have lost all confidence and have no chance of being a productive member of society.
  6. You shall not murder unless you are an elected leader of a nation or trying to fulfill the requirements of Commandment #1.
  7. You shall not commit adultery unless your spouse is unsatisfying, cold and distant or you find someone much younger, sexier and hotter.
  8. You shall not steal unless you are a corporate executive, Wall Street market manipulator, or a politician.
  9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor unless you are a politician looking for reasons to go to war or you are an embezzling corporate executive trying to make a deal with a District Attorney to get a sentence reduced/receive immunity from prosecution.
  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife unless your wife is like the one in Commandment #7 and your neighbor’s wife is hot. You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor unless you are a politician and can a) use the law of Eminent Domain to take it away from him b) use the strength of your armed forces to murder him and steal his wealth and natural resources or c) tax him into bankruptcy.

(1) Personally, I prefer the records with Ronnie Dio (that means God in Italian – I think Ronnie is breaking commandment 3) singing but the Ozzy records are solid as well.

What have we learned children? It seems that politicians are generally exempt from the moral codes set forth by biblical tradition. So I disencourage you from pursuing jobs that force you to follow these antiquated rules. Politics is the way to go if you want to live a life of happiness and immorality. All the sex, money and power you desire can be yours. Just speak with a forked tongue, prevaricate, and equivocate. That is the path to riches, high-class dames, thirst-quenching power and a higher state of being – inhumanity.
Go out and join every political party you can. One of them will take you. The sheep is always a prized possession.
Fighting the Good Fight

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


What is the point of doing this?
Is it to so you can wear the latest Body Armour fashion and prance around the neighborhood like an antelope to show us your bony ass? Do you know why it’s bony? It is because you’ve burned off all body fat and now you look like Keira Knightley if she were on a diet.

Is it to train for a marathon?
The guy that originally ran the marathon did it to tell the Athenians that the Persians had been defeated. He died afterwards. Do you want to die running a distance that is based on a legend that is probably not true? Did Paul Revere run to warn of the movements of the foul British redcoats? No he used a horse. Why didn’t this Greek guy use a horse? My guess is because he was an idiot like the people that jog in my neighborhood when it’s 15 degrees outside (Not Celsius).

Is it to attract a mate? You have other options:
  • Make a lot of money.
  • Get breast augmentation.
  • Botox your lips.
  • Put a cucumber in your pants a la Derek Smalls.
  • Stop being a picky bitch
  • Get a chick magnet car like a 1994 Honda civic hatchback.
  • Get a prostitute
  • Have a good personality
  • Internet Porn – This is the best mate of all. Right hand down.

Is it for health reasons?
Jogging is a foolish activity that will lead to physical problems. Here are a few:

  1. Mucus buildup – Admittedly, there are men who admire a bony ass but there are none that I am aware of that are attracted to mucus. The word itself is repugnant. What if a food were named Mucus? I’d like a Mucus sandwich and a diet coke please. Would you eat that?
  2. Knee problems – Contrary to some medical journals, it is widely believed that you do need your knees to be free of ligament damage and the chronic pain caused by having the pressure of your body weight fall upon them repeatedly as you show off your new trendy headband to the adoring neighbors.
  3. Ankle problems – The force from the idiotic activity called jogging on your ankles is 3 to 5 times your body weight. Now I realize for the bony ass people this is only 150 lbs but it’s still three times your body weight. Eat something dude!
  4. Professional athletes die younger – Using the Pythagorean theorem this means that jogging is a slow form of suicide. If you encourage other humans to do it then it’s pesticide which is actually one of the few benefits of jogging.
  5. Death – This is the 2nd worst physical problem you can get. The worst is erectile dysfunction. Jogging can stop your heart. Just ask Jim Fixx and the myriad of marathoners that have died while trying to equal the feat of a mythical Greek messenger. strongly advises against this activity. It can only lead to your ruin. We strongly suggest that you enter a 12-step program to wean yourself off jogging.
The 12 steps are easy to memorize.
Step 1 through 12 – DO NOT JOG
Endorsed by The Knee and Ankle Foundation
Not Endorsed by the Grim Reaper and Knee Surgeons