Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The 10 Commandments Revised for the Modern Age

  1. You shall have no other gods before me unless it is the god of the Mindless Pursuit of Money, Sex and Power no matter whom it hurts.
  2. You shall not make for yourself an idol unless it is the blind worship and unquestioning belief in your lying, two-faced immoral leaders.
  3. You shall not take the Lord’s name in vain unless you are shouting it out loud right before you murder innocent people in His name.
  4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Listen to their records every Saturday while you’re watching college football. (note 1)
  5. Honor your father and mother unless they pawn you off to some Salvadoran nanny, stick you in some day care center to be raised by strangers or verbally berate you until you have lost all confidence and have no chance of being a productive member of society.
  6. You shall not murder unless you are an elected leader of a nation or trying to fulfill the requirements of Commandment #1.
  7. You shall not commit adultery unless your spouse is unsatisfying, cold and distant or you find someone much younger, sexier and hotter.
  8. You shall not steal unless you are a corporate executive, Wall Street market manipulator, or a politician.
  9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor unless you are a politician looking for reasons to go to war or you are an embezzling corporate executive trying to make a deal with a District Attorney to get a sentence reduced/receive immunity from prosecution.
  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife unless your wife is like the one in Commandment #7 and your neighbor’s wife is hot. You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor unless you are a politician and can a) use the law of Eminent Domain to take it away from him b) use the strength of your armed forces to murder him and steal his wealth and natural resources or c) tax him into bankruptcy.

(1) Personally, I prefer the records with Ronnie Dio (that means God in Italian – I think Ronnie is breaking commandment 3) singing but the Ozzy records are solid as well.

What have we learned children? It seems that politicians are generally exempt from the moral codes set forth by biblical tradition. So I disencourage you from pursuing jobs that force you to follow these antiquated rules. Politics is the way to go if you want to live a life of happiness and immorality. All the sex, money and power you desire can be yours. Just speak with a forked tongue, prevaricate, and equivocate. That is the path to riches, high-class dames, thirst-quenching power and a higher state of being – inhumanity.
Go out and join every political party you can. One of them will take you. The sheep is always a prized possession.
Fighting the Good Fight

No comments: