Monday, February 9, 2009

Matrimony and Waterloo Are Related

Many Nobel price winning scientologists have found striking similarities between the Battle of Waterloo and the institution (for the deranged) of marriage. The paper published recently in the Journal of War and Marriage has been edited here (dumbed down) in a neat and easy to read bulleted presentation for the modern reader who has neither the time nor inclination to do any serious thinking on the subject. The main points are as follows:

1. Belgium is boring and confusing (should I speak Flemish or French? Flemish or French? Oh mon Dieu! Oh mijn God! Oh just forget it I’m going to Paris) and so will your life be once you shackle yourself to another human no matter how hot or rich they are and even if they aren’t from Belgium.

2. Waterloo was the end of Napoleon’s rule as Emperor. In effect, he was castrated. Marriage will be the end of your sex life. In effect, you will be castrated.

3. Napoleon wed himself to the idea of attack in hopes of stopping a coordinated invasion of France (pronounced Frahns). You will wed yourself to the utterly false assumption that a spouse, children and mounting debt will make you happy.

4. Napoleon lost his throne on the blood-drenched fields of Waterloo. You will sit on your throne wondering why your bathroom needs $500 Picasso prints and scented candles that cost $50 and why, ultimately, it is nicer than your whole apartment was when you were single and why that isn’t making you happier and why Belgium doesn’t just have a civil war to settle this Flemish/French thing once and for all.

5. Napoleon, in his infinite hubris, stated, “This affair is nothing more than eating breakfast”. You, in your infinite hubris, think that having breakfast every day with a bunch of screaming kids and a spouse you will eventually not love or respect is the correct course of action for the rest of your life. Once you realize the error, you will combat it by having an affair that will probably involve breakfast and subsequently many lies and cover-ups.

666. Nostradamus considers Napoleon the first anti-Christ. They’re both French so maybe they were just feuding over some jolie fille named Francine or Isabelle. On the fields of Waterloo, the anti-Christ fought. On the fields of marriage you will fight with the anti-Christ. That will be your spouse. Eventually it will lead to divorce, dissolution of assets and a back-breaking unhappiness not seen since Firefly was cancelled by the newest anti-Christ – Fox.

What you will look like once married:

In essence, what I am trying to get through to your brainwashed mind is that marriage will be your personal Waterloo. It is the end of days. It is the Elves leaving Middle-Earth. It is Apocalypse Right Now. A sad, sad day as a worthy, free being leaves us and is replaced by a married non-being who no longer retains any personal freedom because it has been signed away in order to form a partnership. They always say don’t form a partnership in business with a friend or you will lose that friend.

Try The Beef Wellington

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