Monday, February 16, 2009

Why Chicago Sucks (Part 2 of 3 )

So you're still living in Chicago? A masochist you are. A glutton for punishment you are. I love speaking like Yoda. Here are some more reasons why we should all move and let the archaeologists and sociologists figure out why we left. They can write books about it with titles like:
The Lost Cities of Detroit and Chicago: Why They Should Remain Lost
The Second Exodus: Why Chicago Politicians Had No One Left To Screw
I'd Rather Live In The Desert For 40 Years: A Chicago Tale
It's Not Only Onions and Europeans That Stink: The Non-Deodorized City of Chicago
Chicago: Perpetual Ice Age

Revenue Bandits – They actually have people (that are paid by the city) whose only job is to steal your money. Their bright vests actually say REVENUE on them but really they should say THIEF. Did you park too close to a sidewalk even though there’s no sign stating you can’t park? Too bad. That’s $50. Would you like to dispute the ticket? I’m sorry but we don’t actually have any humans available to help you. Why don’t you just pay us the $50 we just extorted from you so we don’t have to ruin your credit and send you to collection? But hey we really love that you are a part of our city. Thanks for being a Chicagoan. Love the scumbags at Revenue. Love them! Don’t park here, don’t park there. Don’t turn here. Don’t turn there. Oh I’m sorry the parking meter just ran out a minute ago. That’s $100. You forgot to put your quarter in but we are going to charge you 400 times that amount. We think that’s fair. 

Pot Abysses – Due to the abysmal weather, Chicago has substandard streets filled with all sorts of booby traps. The most enjoyable of these is the pothole. I’ve been in some that are so deep that homeless guys live in them. If you want to damage your shocks or just simply crack one of your axles this is a city you want to drive in. The solution from the city is to send some guys in a truck and shovel some black stuff into the hole and then pat it down real tight. One guy does this while three other guys watch. They all make more money than you and got their jobs through patronage. Eventually, the black stuff comes out of the hole again because cars are rolling over it constantly and the homeless guy that lives down there has to dig out so he can breathe.

Construction Season – One of the jokes around these parts is how we have two seasons: winter and construction. I wish this were a joke but it isn’t. You will get nowhere driving around this city. I repeat: you will get nowhere. If it isn’t blizzard conditions, heavy rain, some combination of both or gaper’s delays (this is when people stare at the human carnage at the side of the road after an accident instead of continuing to drive) it will be incessant, interminable construction of the highways and byways that will never, ever end until the sun supernovas and swallows up this meaningless little planet. So your commute is going to be long my friend. LONG. Even on the five days a year that we have excellent driving conditions. Not only will you waste a minimum of 8 hours a day working (probably more due to the ludicrous “Midwestern work ethic”) but you will also waste another 2 hours a day trying to get to and from the cotton fields where you work to pay for the overpriced, heavily taxed, energy inefficient dump you live in.

Property Taxes – So you want to buy a home in this suckhole of a city? Great, but you will have to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars each year to the city and county for land that you own. That’s right you own it. Or so they tell you but really you own nothing. They own it and the bank owns it and they own you. In the meantime, unemployment in Chicago is generally higher than other cities and you can't sell your house anymore because nobody’s buying this overpriced garbage built by bankrupt builders that used cheap materials and left all the owners owing thousands in unpaid assessments. But despite all this the property taxes do not drop. The mayor and the cook county board president need new cars and their retarded cousin needs a lucrative city job so pay up sucker.

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