Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Why Chicago Sucks (Part 3 of 3 )

My epic ends with the final 5 reasons to leave Chicago.  Goodbye and good luck if you do not heed my warnings.

Jacket Collectors Rejoice!
– You need a minimum of seven jackets to live in this city.
  1. Heavy Michelin Man jacket – this thing needs to be impenetrable and ugly. If you get shot while wearing this the bullet should be able to bounce right off you and hit the assailant who probably wont die either because he will have this same jacket on. It can withstand Arctic temperatures, which tend to be milder than Chicago generally. 
  2. Medium Heavy Style jacket – This has to withstand similar temperatures as jacket #1 but it has to be stylish so you can wear it when going out on those warm Chicago winter nights where the temperature is cold enough to keep Walt Disney from thawing out. It won’t fully protect you like the Michelin jacket but it’s better to look good than to feel good.
  3. Rain Coat – This jacket needs to be made out of some sort of synthetic fibre that allows water to run off it like it would a duck’s back. You can also use this jacket if you take trips to Seattle or the British Isles. Don’t underestimate the rain factor in Chicago. Get yourself one of these.
  4. Medium Light Style jacket – This is for above freezing temperatures when you want to go out on the thawed town and get hammered so you can relive the highlight of your life - college. 
  5. Medium Light Style-less jacket – This is a jacket for when you just need to go to the store to get some cheese and don’t want to style it up too much. It has to look somewhat presentable but chicks/dudes shouldn’t give you a second look. 
  6. Light Style jacket – This is when the thermometer is approaching temperatures found in normal cities where people who aren’t stupid enough to live in Chicago reside. Wear this to a bar or to the date with the gold digging bitch/lying to get in your pants dude you met on Match.com. 
  7. Light Style-less jacket – In a normal city you wouldn’t even need this jacket but because of the incessant wind in Chicago you will still need some sort of jacket even when it’s 60 degrees outside (which is not often) to go to the gym so you can pretend to work out while staring at chick's/guy's asses or to pick up your shirts at the dry cleaners which you could have washed and ironed yourself but would rather pay a Korean to do it for you.
I wont bother including all the scarves, sweatshirts, umbrellas, animal pelts and various hats you will also need to survive. Basically you need a U-Haul full of this crap to live in Chicago.

The Chicago Cubs – This team has destroyed the psyche of this city for a few decades now. If you need a reason why Chicago sucks, I give you the Chicago Cubs. A team with a run down, condemnable stadium, a fan base of alcoholic schoolboys and a losing streak of Homerian proportions. Yeah Chicago sucking goes hand in hand with the Cubs sucking. They are locked in a death embrace and neither is coming out alive.

The Bean – We have this pseudo-cultural area here called Millennium Park. The reason it’s called that is because even 1000 years from now this place will not even be remotely cultural. The crown jewel in this hodge-podge of embarrassing non-cultural mishmash is the bean. It is a polished steel monolith that you can see your reflection in and yes it looks like a kidney bean. Thanks but I’m hideous and I don’t want to see myself reflected in a horrible piece of “art” when taking a relaxing stroll in the grand wonder that is Chicago culture. I’ll give up one of my kidneys if they will just get rid of this thing. Now you know where all your tax dollars are going. They go to build monstrosities like The Bean ladies and gentlemen. There’s a leaning tower YMCA in Niles, IL that looks like the leaning tower of Pisa. It is much more interesting than this and they have a great motto – “Where People Count”. Most people that are educated in Chicago can’t count so Niles, IL is probably preferable.

Crime – Plenty of crime here if you’re into that sort of thing. Tons of ghettos, poor people looking for your cash, violent gangs, sexual predators hiding in the bushes and one of the murder capitols of the world. Anarchy is alive and well in Chicago. Just check out the West side if you don’t believe me. Come to Chicago for the beautiful skyline and the great museums. Stay for the poverty, crime and hopelessness of our urban jungle.

The (dis)Taste of Chicago – If you want disgusting, fattening junk food we have many restaurants for you to choose from. Once a year in the Summer (winter) they all congregate at a festival called The Taste of Chicago. You can go there and experience the culture of meat fried in grease so black and thick that they use it to fill the potholes in the Winter (winter). I think you can get vegetables there too but they are deep fried in lard or low-grade synthetic chocolate or cheese. Do you like being thin and attractive? If you answered yes don’t live or eat in this city.

I strongly disencourage you from moving to this city, living in this city, contemplating moving to this city, lying to people about how great it is to live here, etc. Chicago needs to be emptied out like Detroit, maybe razed to the ground to make room for farmland.
The city is named Smelly Onion for god’s sake. That’s what Chicago means. Literally, the word means striped skunk but referred to the wild leek. A leek is in the onion family: the smelly onion family. Chicago stinks all right. It stinks badly. Get out while you can. It was voted one of the most miserable cities in the country for a reason. And the reason is simple. Chicago Sucks!

Let’s All Leave Chicago Society

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