Tuesday, December 30, 2008

5/3 Bank (Fifth Third Bank)

Mistake #1:
If you’ve had a grade school education then you know that the fraction 5/3 said out loud is five thirds not fifth third as these bozos would lead you to believe. How many American children, who are woefully undereducated and generally considered one step above the Dodo by the rest of the world, going to learn proper mathematics when faced with an evil banking giant saying this fraction is pronounced fifth third? It’s either Five Thirds Bank or One and Two Thirds Bank. Fifth Third Bank is not an option and should not have been allowed by Delaware when they received the incorporation papers from these people. Delaware would let the Devil incorporate but that’s another post.

Mistake #2:
The proper way to pronounce this bank’s name is Five Thirds Bank or One and Two Thirds bank. But you see the problem here don’t you? How can a bank be 1 and 2/3 bank? How did they manage to glue on 2/3 of a bank to their existing bank? They didn’t. A bank can only be 1/1 Bank. So they can call themselves One Oneth Bank. Even if they bought 2/3 of a bank and added it to their original lame bank it’s still considered one entity by the business community and thus the bank has to be called One Bank or 1/1 Bank. If they want to be clever I guess they can call it 3/3 Bank (Three Thirds Bank) or 5/5 Bank (Five Fifths Bank). You get the idea.

Mistake #3:
You put your money in this bank thus funding, albeit indirectly, the systematic and immoral dumbing down of the children of America.

Mistake #4 (disclaimer):
You have taken this post seriously. 5/3 Bank’s balance sheet may be stronger than Magnus Ver Magnuson for all I know. I’m sure it’s a great bank. The name is stupid and I’m sure they probably agree although they wouldn’t admit it. Please don’t make a run on the bank’s deposits due to their inability to understand simple fractions. It's the marketing people's fault. Those are the ones that crashed out of basic Finance classes because they were scared of math. I’m sure their accounting department is very good and has a firm grasp of basic mathematics. I plan on opening a checking account there soon because I support rampant nation wide stupidity, which will eventually lead to a totalitarian regime that will run our lives and smash all our current perceived freedoms.

Disencouragement.com asks you to please, for the love of God, bank with confidence. Give your money to the rich so they can lend it out at higher rates and get richer. That’s what makes America great: dumb children and rich bankers.
Rejoice Everyone!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Hotness Pays

This can apply to acquiring the best husbands or having an easier time becoming a model, actress, singer or high-class whore but I am referring to regular jobs in this case.

Recently, I went to a furniture wholesaler to pick up some pieces for a customer. There was a pen of clerks taking orders, doing accounting and other menial tasks that serfs of this type do. It was all women except for one asexual 5 foot Filipino dude who at one point uttered these historic words: “I didn’t know Quiznos delivered?” Well it seems they do.
I believe he was hired because they thought he was a woman. This is just a hunch of mine. It is purely in the theoretical phase right now. No one in the pigpen was even remotely attractive. These girls would have really been right at home at the flea market.

Across from the pigpen was an office with a large window. Inside this office sitting behind beautiful, shiny oak desks with large LCD monitors in front of their angelic visages were two extremely hot, young women. Is it coincidence that the beautiful girls had their own office? Am I to believe that they were put there on accident? Maybe they were the daughters or relatives of the owners? Maybe they were bright college graduates that were managing this business. Or maybe they are doing the same job as the ugly people and maybe they are worse at it but because they are gorgeous, thin and fashionable they got promoted simply because they looked better.

I looked at them through the glass but not for long because I reserve my libido for Internet porn. It was like being at the zoo and viewing an exotic big cat from Sri Lanka or some other unknowable country. They were behind the glass. Untouchable. Unapproachable. Perfect physical human specimens. They were like the ladies at court and the clerks were their maids. That’s what it felt like to me but what do I know? I was just another one of those ugly serfs viewing the more fortunate in their towers made of gold.

This incident reminded me of a time in college when I saw an ad from one of the big accounting firms with the pictures of all the people they had hired from my school. There wasn’t one ugly girl in the whole lot. Not one. I wouldn’t lie to you.
I recently worked at a very young start-up company where mostly pretty young girls were hired. Most of them were short-bussers and had no business being hired to do anything. The guys running the place didn’t care. They wanted eye candy, not production.

If you want to succeed in the business world, intelligence and hard work can definitely get you places, but if you really want to get hired and move up easier you better be hot or you’re probably going nowhere. If you want to marry the man of your dreams: tall, successful, and charming you better be hot. So if you are not hot I suggest giving up or becoming a coal miner or something similarly unhealthy.

This whole good looking thing may work for men as well but I’m not gay so I don’t have any insights.

Be disencouraged today!