Tuesday, December 30, 2008

5/3 Bank (Fifth Third Bank)

Mistake #1:
If you’ve had a grade school education then you know that the fraction 5/3 said out loud is five thirds not fifth third as these bozos would lead you to believe. How many American children, who are woefully undereducated and generally considered one step above the Dodo by the rest of the world, going to learn proper mathematics when faced with an evil banking giant saying this fraction is pronounced fifth third? It’s either Five Thirds Bank or One and Two Thirds Bank. Fifth Third Bank is not an option and should not have been allowed by Delaware when they received the incorporation papers from these people. Delaware would let the Devil incorporate but that’s another post.

Mistake #2:
The proper way to pronounce this bank’s name is Five Thirds Bank or One and Two Thirds bank. But you see the problem here don’t you? How can a bank be 1 and 2/3 bank? How did they manage to glue on 2/3 of a bank to their existing bank? They didn’t. A bank can only be 1/1 Bank. So they can call themselves One Oneth Bank. Even if they bought 2/3 of a bank and added it to their original lame bank it’s still considered one entity by the business community and thus the bank has to be called One Bank or 1/1 Bank. If they want to be clever I guess they can call it 3/3 Bank (Three Thirds Bank) or 5/5 Bank (Five Fifths Bank). You get the idea.

Mistake #3:
You put your money in this bank thus funding, albeit indirectly, the systematic and immoral dumbing down of the children of America.

Mistake #4 (disclaimer):
You have taken this post seriously. 5/3 Bank’s balance sheet may be stronger than Magnus Ver Magnuson for all I know. I’m sure it’s a great bank. The name is stupid and I’m sure they probably agree although they wouldn’t admit it. Please don’t make a run on the bank’s deposits due to their inability to understand simple fractions. It's the marketing people's fault. Those are the ones that crashed out of basic Finance classes because they were scared of math. I’m sure their accounting department is very good and has a firm grasp of basic mathematics. I plan on opening a checking account there soon because I support rampant nation wide stupidity, which will eventually lead to a totalitarian regime that will run our lives and smash all our current perceived freedoms.

Disencouragement.com asks you to please, for the love of God, bank with confidence. Give your money to the rich so they can lend it out at higher rates and get richer. That’s what makes America great: dumb children and rich bankers.
Rejoice Everyone!

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