Monday, February 23, 2009

Leave Your Baby's Penis Alone

If you are stupid enough to have children (and you probably are) you will be given a choice at the hospital if your child happens to be male. A guy in blue pajamas is going to ask you if you would like to have him mutilate your newborn son by slicing off part of his penis. Do not give your consent for this inhumane procedure and here’s why:

The American Medical Association and European Medical Associations do not recommend this barbaric behavior and feel it is totally unnecessary. However, certain archaic belief systems and their brainwashed clergy, acolytes and laity ritually mutilate newborn children without their consent and have somehow convinced Americans to do the same. Just because something has been done for centuries based on rules set forth in some ancient text of unknown authorship does not mean that it has to be done in our modern scientific world. Pederasty was an accepted practice by the ancient Greeks. Do you accept that today? Hell no unless you’re a Roman priest. Reject circumcision.

Only 30% of males are mutilated at birth so if you have this done to your heir then he will be part of a minority group and I know you don’t want that for your child. No one likes minorities. If you don’t want your rights trampled on you better be in the majority you foreskin-lacking fool.

Male circumcision is a vast conspiracy of feminist groups to symbolically castrate males in order for them to one day take over the world and create an Amazonian Utopia where males are paid less for equal work, forced to cook and clean, valued only for their beauty and considered less intelligent. Does that sound familiar? Let’s make sure we keep the status quo on this one. After all this is a patriarchal society. The penis is important and it needs every inch of its skin. Hedwig only had one inch and look how depressed he was.

American women, who are used to the mutilated penis, will think your son’s looks weird. This could be beneficial. It makes him memorable. He stands out. Instead of spending money on peacocking accessories like leather bracelets, rings, necklaces, tattoos, stylish clothes and shoes, a BMW etc to attract them (so he can ultimately be tricked into marriage and children) all he has to do is show them his uncircumcised penis and he will be one up on those football helmet penis guys. He will be in like Flynt thus increasing his chances of making you a grandfather and perpetuating the misery and hopelessness that is human life.

Hospitals keep all the foreskins and eventually recycle by using them in plastic surgery procedures. Do you want part of your son’s penis to end up on Michael Jackson’s nose? Joan Rivers’ cheek? Some starlet’s breasts? (Actually, that’s not a bad fate) You probably don’t. What if someone steals the foreskins and makes a skin suit out of them like the guy in Silence of the Lambs? “It rubs the lotion on its penis” “It puts the foreskin in the basket”

America! Beacon of Light in the Darkness! I beseech you to stop this primitive, ritualistic behavior. End circumcision now. thanks you and the penises of your unborn sons thank you. 

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Why Chicago Sucks (Part 3 of 3 )

My epic ends with the final 5 reasons to leave Chicago.  Goodbye and good luck if you do not heed my warnings.

Jacket Collectors Rejoice!
– You need a minimum of seven jackets to live in this city.
  1. Heavy Michelin Man jacket – this thing needs to be impenetrable and ugly. If you get shot while wearing this the bullet should be able to bounce right off you and hit the assailant who probably wont die either because he will have this same jacket on. It can withstand Arctic temperatures, which tend to be milder than Chicago generally. 
  2. Medium Heavy Style jacket – This has to withstand similar temperatures as jacket #1 but it has to be stylish so you can wear it when going out on those warm Chicago winter nights where the temperature is cold enough to keep Walt Disney from thawing out. It won’t fully protect you like the Michelin jacket but it’s better to look good than to feel good.
  3. Rain Coat – This jacket needs to be made out of some sort of synthetic fibre that allows water to run off it like it would a duck’s back. You can also use this jacket if you take trips to Seattle or the British Isles. Don’t underestimate the rain factor in Chicago. Get yourself one of these.
  4. Medium Light Style jacket – This is for above freezing temperatures when you want to go out on the thawed town and get hammered so you can relive the highlight of your life - college. 
  5. Medium Light Style-less jacket – This is a jacket for when you just need to go to the store to get some cheese and don’t want to style it up too much. It has to look somewhat presentable but chicks/dudes shouldn’t give you a second look. 
  6. Light Style jacket – This is when the thermometer is approaching temperatures found in normal cities where people who aren’t stupid enough to live in Chicago reside. Wear this to a bar or to the date with the gold digging bitch/lying to get in your pants dude you met on 
  7. Light Style-less jacket – In a normal city you wouldn’t even need this jacket but because of the incessant wind in Chicago you will still need some sort of jacket even when it’s 60 degrees outside (which is not often) to go to the gym so you can pretend to work out while staring at chick's/guy's asses or to pick up your shirts at the dry cleaners which you could have washed and ironed yourself but would rather pay a Korean to do it for you.
I wont bother including all the scarves, sweatshirts, umbrellas, animal pelts and various hats you will also need to survive. Basically you need a U-Haul full of this crap to live in Chicago.

The Chicago Cubs – This team has destroyed the psyche of this city for a few decades now. If you need a reason why Chicago sucks, I give you the Chicago Cubs. A team with a run down, condemnable stadium, a fan base of alcoholic schoolboys and a losing streak of Homerian proportions. Yeah Chicago sucking goes hand in hand with the Cubs sucking. They are locked in a death embrace and neither is coming out alive.

The Bean – We have this pseudo-cultural area here called Millennium Park. The reason it’s called that is because even 1000 years from now this place will not even be remotely cultural. The crown jewel in this hodge-podge of embarrassing non-cultural mishmash is the bean. It is a polished steel monolith that you can see your reflection in and yes it looks like a kidney bean. Thanks but I’m hideous and I don’t want to see myself reflected in a horrible piece of “art” when taking a relaxing stroll in the grand wonder that is Chicago culture. I’ll give up one of my kidneys if they will just get rid of this thing. Now you know where all your tax dollars are going. They go to build monstrosities like The Bean ladies and gentlemen. There’s a leaning tower YMCA in Niles, IL that looks like the leaning tower of Pisa. It is much more interesting than this and they have a great motto – “Where People Count”. Most people that are educated in Chicago can’t count so Niles, IL is probably preferable.

Crime – Plenty of crime here if you’re into that sort of thing. Tons of ghettos, poor people looking for your cash, violent gangs, sexual predators hiding in the bushes and one of the murder capitols of the world. Anarchy is alive and well in Chicago. Just check out the West side if you don’t believe me. Come to Chicago for the beautiful skyline and the great museums. Stay for the poverty, crime and hopelessness of our urban jungle.

The (dis)Taste of Chicago – If you want disgusting, fattening junk food we have many restaurants for you to choose from. Once a year in the Summer (winter) they all congregate at a festival called The Taste of Chicago. You can go there and experience the culture of meat fried in grease so black and thick that they use it to fill the potholes in the Winter (winter). I think you can get vegetables there too but they are deep fried in lard or low-grade synthetic chocolate or cheese. Do you like being thin and attractive? If you answered yes don’t live or eat in this city.

I strongly disencourage you from moving to this city, living in this city, contemplating moving to this city, lying to people about how great it is to live here, etc. Chicago needs to be emptied out like Detroit, maybe razed to the ground to make room for farmland.
The city is named Smelly Onion for god’s sake. That’s what Chicago means. Literally, the word means striped skunk but referred to the wild leek. A leek is in the onion family: the smelly onion family. Chicago stinks all right. It stinks badly. Get out while you can. It was voted one of the most miserable cities in the country for a reason. And the reason is simple. Chicago Sucks!
Let’s All Leave Chicago Society

Monday, February 16, 2009

Why Chicago Sucks (Part 2 of 3 )

So you're still living in Chicago? A masochist you are. A glutton for punishment you are. I love speaking like Yoda. Here are some more reasons why we should all move and let the archaeologists and sociologists figure out why we left. They can write books about it with titles like:
The Lost Cities of Detroit and Chicago: Why They Should Remain Lost
The Second Exodus: Why Chicago Politicians Had No One Left To Screw
I'd Rather Live In The Desert For 40 Years: A Chicago Tale
It's Not Only Onions and Europeans That Stink: The Non-Deodorized City of Chicago
Chicago: Perpetual Ice Age

Revenue Bandits – They actually have people (that are paid by the city) whose only job is to steal your money. Their bright vests actually say REVENUE on them but really they should say THIEF. Did you park too close to a sidewalk even though there’s no sign stating you can’t park? Too bad. That’s $50. Would you like to dispute the ticket? I’m sorry but we don’t actually have any humans available to help you. Why don’t you just pay us the $50 we just extorted from you so we don’t have to ruin your credit and send you to collection? But hey we really love that you are a part of our city. Thanks for being a Chicagoan. Love the scumbags at Revenue. Love them! Don’t park here, don’t park there. Don’t turn here. Don’t turn there. Oh I’m sorry the parking meter just ran out a minute ago. That’s $100. You forgot to put your quarter in but we are going to charge you 400 times that amount. We think that’s fair. 

Pot Abysses – Due to the abysmal weather, Chicago has substandard streets filled with all sorts of booby traps. The most enjoyable of these is the pothole. I’ve been in some that are so deep that homeless guys live in them. If you want to damage your shocks or just simply crack one of your axles this is a city you want to drive in. The solution from the city is to send some guys in a truck and shovel some black stuff into the hole and then pat it down real tight. One guy does this while three other guys watch. They all make more money than you and got their jobs through patronage. Eventually, the black stuff comes out of the hole again because cars are rolling over it constantly and the homeless guy that lives down there has to dig out so he can breathe.

Construction Season – One of the jokes around these parts is how we have two seasons: winter and construction. I wish this were a joke but it isn’t. You will get nowhere driving around this city. I repeat: you will get nowhere. If it isn’t blizzard conditions, heavy rain, some combination of both or gaper’s delays (this is when people stare at the human carnage at the side of the road after an accident instead of continuing to drive) it will be incessant, interminable construction of the highways and byways that will never, ever end until the sun supernovas and swallows up this meaningless little planet. So your commute is going to be long my friend. LONG. Even on the five days a year that we have excellent driving conditions. Not only will you waste a minimum of 8 hours a day working (probably more due to the ludicrous “Midwestern work ethic”) but you will also waste another 2 hours a day trying to get to and from the cotton fields where you work to pay for the overpriced, heavily taxed, energy inefficient dump you live in.

Property Taxes – So you want to buy a home in this suckhole of a city? Great, but you will have to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars each year to the city and county for land that you own. That’s right you own it. Or so they tell you but really you own nothing. They own it and the bank owns it and they own you. In the meantime, unemployment in Chicago is generally higher than other cities and you can't sell your house anymore because nobody’s buying this overpriced garbage built by bankrupt builders that used cheap materials and left all the owners owing thousands in unpaid assessments. But despite all this the property taxes do not drop. The mayor and the cook county board president need new cars and their retarded cousin needs a lucrative city job so pay up sucker.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Why Chicago Sucks (Part 1 of 3 )

I live in Chicago and I consider it to be a sub par city for at least 13 reasons. There are probably more but I'm going with 13 because of the superstitious significance. The goal of this series of articles is to get you, the woeful, miserable Chicago resident to see the light (not easy in sunless Chicago) and figure out a way to move to a better place. The first 4 reasons are included in this post entitled aptly Why Chicago Sucks (Part 1 of 3).

The Highest Sales Tax in the Universe – Yes it is true. The Hubble telescope could not find a higher sales tax anywhere. The county board and city hall cannot continue their illustrious history of graft, payoffs, nepotism and cronyism without more money from you, the consumer. As a matter of fact, if the Hubble telescope is pointed at Chicago there is a law that allows the Cook County board to tax the telescope, all the people that created it and their progeny for the next ten generations. I hope those telescope operators are infertile. I’m going for a vasectomy right now.

The Most Awesomest Weather Anywhere
Winter (winter) – Winter exists in Chicago almost every day. Even in the other seasons. In the winter the sun is banned for the most part. Even it thinks the taxes are too high. Instead we have these amorphous gray clouds that are obviously angry about something. I believe they are upset about being in Chicago and once they blow into Indiana they turn white again and allow the sun to be seen. Well okay maybe not Indiana. They probably turn white when they get to Europe. There is also a lot of wind. So if it’s 25 degrees outside it might be bearable somewhere else. But in the Hell that is Chicago there is a nice lake breeze that makes it feel like you are doing a penguin march in Antarctica. Chicago is mind and body numbingly cold. There is no way to sugar coat it. If you tried it would snow and wet the sugar, which would freeze it solid like cement and then you would slip on it, and break your neck.
Spring (Winter) – The spring in Chicago is actually a lesser form of winter. It still snows but now there is also freezing rain and hail. That’s ice balls being thrown at you from some pissed off Olympian God who resides in those gray clouds. The temperature barely gets above freezing. During the spring, you can finally stop wearing long johns, boots with steel cleats, two wool hats, more long johns, thick woolen scarves and gloves bigger than soccer goalies wear. You stop wearing these things because you become optimistic. When you go outside you realize you’ve made an error but it’s too late.
Summer (Winter) - Even in the summer it’s like winter because you can’t go outside due to the intense heat and humidity so you stay inside and crank the air conditioning, which can sometimes feel like winter. The other days it just rains.
Autumn (Winter) – Sometimes it snows in autumn. Sometimes it is really hot so you turn on the air conditioning which makes it feel like it should snow in your house. Sometimes it is the same as spring with the freezing rain and hail. Leaves do fall during this period. It is the only evidence that it is a different season from the other three. Sometimes autumn is autumn but mostly it's just winter in disguise.

365 days of winter is your fate in this god forsaken city.

Public Transportation – This deserves its own blog entry and I am going to work on that. Anyway, if you like watching three or four buses come to a stop within a minute of each other and then no other bus shows up for 30 minutes then Chicago is your mass transit heaven. We have a train here called the Brown line (a fitting name). It is on a rickety, 6000 year old elevated track above the frozen tundra. It was designed, ingeniously, to snake around every corner to minimize its speed. The urban non-planners did not want to get commuters home too fast because Chicago looks really lovely from 30 feet above the ground. You can see all the dirt, garbage, black snow and segregated slums a lot better from up there. Many of these train lines go into what’s called The Loop where, you guessed it; they drive around in a loop downtown at very high speeds…if you’re a turtle. If you want to feel close to death then ride on a Chicago El train. It’s like an amusement park ride but without the safety.
Chicago’s mass transit system is an abomination. It is the ugly stepchild locked away in the attic. It is the gristle on your steak. It is a dental patient that just ate an Oreo. It is an electric powered rectal exam. It is like defecating in one of your cooking pots because your toilet doesn’t work. There are cities in Botswana with better transportation systems. Have you seen those buses in Venezuela and Panama that allow people to carry their livestock on board? Those are preferable to the CTA. Have you seen those trains in India where people ride hanging out the side or on the roof of the cars? Better than the CTA.

Segregated Neighborhoods – No matter what color your skin is Chicago has neighborhoods for you to live in where you can feel like part of the tribe, loved by your own kind and where you will never, ever have to befriend or learn about people of other races, religions or countries. That’s one of the great things about Chicago. It’s all-inclusive as long as you include yourself in a neighborhood with others of your ilk.

Did you rent that U-Haul yet? No? Okay fine. To be continued.....

Monday, February 9, 2009

Matrimony and Waterloo Are Related

Many Nobel price winning scientologists have found striking similarities between the Battle of Waterloo and the institution (for the deranged) of marriage. The paper published recently in the Journal of War and Marriage has been edited here (dumbed down) in a neat and easy to read bulleted presentation for the modern reader who has neither the time nor inclination to do any serious thinking on the subject. The main points are as follows:

1. Belgium is boring and confusing (should I speak Flemish or French? Flemish or French? Oh mon Dieu! Oh mijn God! Oh just forget it I’m going to Paris) and so will your life be once you shackle yourself to another human no matter how hot or rich they are and even if they aren’t from Belgium.

2. Waterloo was the end of Napoleon’s rule as Emperor. In effect, he was castrated. Marriage will be the end of your sex life. In effect, you will be castrated.

3. Napoleon wed himself to the idea of attack in hopes of stopping a coordinated invasion of France (pronounced Frahns). You will wed yourself to the utterly false assumption that a spouse, children and mounting debt will make you happy.

4. Napoleon lost his throne on the blood-drenched fields of Waterloo. You will sit on your throne wondering why your bathroom needs $500 Picasso prints and scented candles that cost $50 and why, ultimately, it is nicer than your whole apartment was when you were single and why that isn’t making you happier and why Belgium doesn’t just have a civil war to settle this Flemish/French thing once and for all.

5. Napoleon, in his infinite hubris, stated, “This affair is nothing more than eating breakfast”. You, in your infinite hubris, think that having breakfast every day with a bunch of screaming kids and a spouse you will eventually not love or respect is the correct course of action for the rest of your life. Once you realize the error, you will combat it by having an affair that will probably involve breakfast and subsequently many lies and cover-ups.

666. Nostradamus considers Napoleon the first anti-Christ. They’re both French so maybe they were just feuding over some jolie fille named Francine or Isabelle. On the fields of Waterloo, the anti-Christ fought. On the fields of marriage you will fight with the anti-Christ. That will be your spouse. Eventually it will lead to divorce, dissolution of assets and a back-breaking unhappiness not seen since Firefly was cancelled by the newest anti-Christ – Fox.

What you will look like once married:

In essence, what I am trying to get through to your brainwashed mind is that marriage will be your personal Waterloo. It is the end of days. It is the Elves leaving Middle-Earth. It is Apocalypse Right Now. A sad, sad day as a worthy, free being leaves us and is replaced by a married non-being who no longer retains any personal freedom because it has been signed away in order to form a partnership. They always say don’t form a partnership in business with a friend or you will lose that friend.

Try The Beef Wellington