Tuesday, December 30, 2008

5/3 Bank (Fifth Third Bank)

Mistake #1:
If you’ve had a grade school education then you know that the fraction 5/3 said out loud is five thirds not fifth third as these bozos would lead you to believe. How many American children, who are woefully undereducated and generally considered one step above the Dodo by the rest of the world, going to learn proper mathematics when faced with an evil banking giant saying this fraction is pronounced fifth third? It’s either Five Thirds Bank or One and Two Thirds Bank. Fifth Third Bank is not an option and should not have been allowed by Delaware when they received the incorporation papers from these people. Delaware would let the Devil incorporate but that’s another post.

Mistake #2:
The proper way to pronounce this bank’s name is Five Thirds Bank or One and Two Thirds bank. But you see the problem here don’t you? How can a bank be 1 and 2/3 bank? How did they manage to glue on 2/3 of a bank to their existing bank? They didn’t. A bank can only be 1/1 Bank. So they can call themselves One Oneth Bank. Even if they bought 2/3 of a bank and added it to their original lame bank it’s still considered one entity by the business community and thus the bank has to be called One Bank or 1/1 Bank. If they want to be clever I guess they can call it 3/3 Bank (Three Thirds Bank) or 5/5 Bank (Five Fifths Bank). You get the idea.

Mistake #3:
You put your money in this bank thus funding, albeit indirectly, the systematic and immoral dumbing down of the children of America.

Mistake #4 (disclaimer):
You have taken this post seriously. 5/3 Bank’s balance sheet may be stronger than Magnus Ver Magnuson for all I know. I’m sure it’s a great bank. The name is stupid and I’m sure they probably agree although they wouldn’t admit it. Please don’t make a run on the bank’s deposits due to their inability to understand simple fractions. It's the marketing people's fault. Those are the ones that crashed out of basic Finance classes because they were scared of math. I’m sure their accounting department is very good and has a firm grasp of basic mathematics. I plan on opening a checking account there soon because I support rampant nation wide stupidity, which will eventually lead to a totalitarian regime that will run our lives and smash all our current perceived freedoms.

Disencouragement.com asks you to please, for the love of God, bank with confidence. Give your money to the rich so they can lend it out at higher rates and get richer. That’s what makes America great: dumb children and rich bankers.
Rejoice Everyone!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Hotness Pays

This can apply to acquiring the best husbands or having an easier time becoming a model, actress, singer or high-class whore but I am referring to regular jobs in this case.

Recently, I went to a furniture wholesaler to pick up some pieces for a customer. There was a pen of clerks taking orders, doing accounting and other menial tasks that serfs of this type do. It was all women except for one asexual 5 foot Filipino dude who at one point uttered these historic words: “I didn’t know Quiznos delivered?” Well it seems they do.
I believe he was hired because they thought he was a woman. This is just a hunch of mine. It is purely in the theoretical phase right now. No one in the pigpen was even remotely attractive. These girls would have really been right at home at the flea market.

Across from the pigpen was an office with a large window. Inside this office sitting behind beautiful, shiny oak desks with large LCD monitors in front of their angelic visages were two extremely hot, young women. Is it coincidence that the beautiful girls had their own office? Am I to believe that they were put there on accident? Maybe they were the daughters or relatives of the owners? Maybe they were bright college graduates that were managing this business. Or maybe they are doing the same job as the ugly people and maybe they are worse at it but because they are gorgeous, thin and fashionable they got promoted simply because they looked better.

I looked at them through the glass but not for long because I reserve my libido for Internet porn. It was like being at the zoo and viewing an exotic big cat from Sri Lanka or some other unknowable country. They were behind the glass. Untouchable. Unapproachable. Perfect physical human specimens. They were like the ladies at court and the clerks were their maids. That’s what it felt like to me but what do I know? I was just another one of those ugly serfs viewing the more fortunate in their towers made of gold.

This incident reminded me of a time in college when I saw an ad from one of the big accounting firms with the pictures of all the people they had hired from my school. There wasn’t one ugly girl in the whole lot. Not one. I wouldn’t lie to you.
I recently worked at a very young start-up company where mostly pretty young girls were hired. Most of them were short-bussers and had no business being hired to do anything. The guys running the place didn’t care. They wanted eye candy, not production.

If you want to succeed in the business world, intelligence and hard work can definitely get you places, but if you really want to get hired and move up easier you better be hot or you’re probably going nowhere. If you want to marry the man of your dreams: tall, successful, and charming you better be hot. So if you are not hot I suggest giving up or becoming a coal miner or something similarly unhealthy.

This whole good looking thing may work for men as well but I’m not gay so I don’t have any insights.

Be disencouraged today!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Believe In Something Worse (part 2)

Our favorite cell phone company has a new billboard. This time, instead of the kid in a box symbolizing the prison we all live in, we have two fools competing over which one gets the longer half of the wishbone. I don’t need to tell you what happened. It split evenly down the middle and so both of them will now “believe in something better”.

How can the universe grant two wishes at once? Two winners at the same time? No way. There has to be a balance. Someone has to win and someone has to lose. It’s yin and yan, black and white, Montagues and Capulets, dogs and cats, Paris and Nicole. Our favorite cell phone company is misrepresenting the rules of the universe to sell more cell phone contracts. We cannot let this aggression stand. We need a counter campaign explaining that the Gods of Chaos will not rule our lives. There must be Law. And the law is: only one person gets a wish from a chicken bone.
Also, PETA is extremely upset about this add. An actual chicken was killed and the wishbone extracted with an unwashed hand to get this ad photographed. Do not screw with PETA or they will throw flour or eggs on you. Of course, if they throw eggs aren’t they killing unborn chickens? Discuss.

Cell Phones = Human Bane

And yes I am a huge hypocrite because I have one. That doesn’t lessen my disdain. I am their slave too. We will be emancipated. The Lincoln of our times will show up and abolish this for something better. Maybe that’s what the ads mean? Hmmm.

In conclusion, I’d like to report seeing a woman take a left turn out of a strip mall, drive straight into the median, jump the curb and run completely over the sign that was there. See the Do Not Enter sign on this median? This is a good example of what she ran over.

She killed this poor thing. Ripped it right out of the concrete. Then she gets back on the actual road but instead of just driving on she stops and gets out of the car presumably to see if the sign is all right. It wasn’t. This is all I witnessed. You’re probably wondering how it is possible to miss the road and run over a sign bolted to the concrete of the median dividing the road aren’t you? Your mistake is in assuming that this stupid woman was actually looking at the road and had both hands on the wheel. Neither of these things happened. She had one hand on the wheel and one hand on a…CELL PHONE!!!!! See her conversation with her friend about why her husband didn’t find her attractive anymore was more important than personal safety so she killed the poor sign and tomorrow she’ll do it all over again and who knows? She may kill an actual person next time. Hopefully, it’s not you.

Brought to you by Disencouragement.com and The Abolish Cell Phones from Automobiles Society

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Flea Markets

I have finally learned why these places are called flea markets. The probability of actual fleas or some kind of flesh eating airborne bacteria attaching themselves to a part of your body, as you are strolling around the stalls, is very high.
I went there on the false assumption that I could find collectible books. What I have forgotten is that no one reads anymore and any collectible book is most likely to be found in the crawlspace of some 80 year-old lady with 13 cats who has retired to her small town of Nowheresville, Iowa.

This marvel of modern bazaars was located on the southwest side of the Chicago area. A gray, depressing mishmash of aluminum sided houses with pickup trucks parked in the driveway, train yards, truck terminals, quarries and warehouses. There is no hope here, only beer, football, hunting and the inevitable terminal illness, which goes untreated due to lack of insurance.

If you wish to purchase kitschy junk that has no value like wood carvings that say “Bill’s Lounge” or “Live Free or Die”, an Uncle Sam lamp or a VHS tape version of the movie Corvette Summer dubbed in Spanish then this is the place for you. Barack Obama was at the front and center of this cavalcade of crapola. Many of the upstanding businessman there were selling framed pictures of him with the White House in the background or framed pictures of him on the covers of fine publications like Ebony and Vibe (I have a subscription to both of these. Don’t hate!). The winner of the Useless Obama Junk contest hands down was the t-shirt with an airbrushed picture of the new first family hugging with, you guessed it, the White House in the background. Someone is going to buy this and wear it. For the love of God why? I understand having pride in your community. I’m Greek. If Mike Dukakis had won the presidency in 1988, I guarantee you I would not have bought a shirt with his picture on it. My ethnic pride only goes so far. Of course, Dukakis was a toolbox and Obama is actually cool but I don’t need a t-shirt that has Malia and Sasha on it. It’s overkill. It’s like using a bazooka to hunt deer. Obama has become a cult of personality in the bizarro world of Flea market patrons.

Do you like looking at attractive people? If you answered yes stay the hell away from flea markets. There were Asians, Africans, Hispanics, Europeans and others who still haven’t been categorized by anthropologists. The ancestry made no difference. These people were the grounds at the bottom of a cup of Turkish coffee, the gum on the sole of your shoe, the itch you just can’t scratch, the shingles on your otherwise unblemished skin. Hideous is a word that comes to mind. Another one is ugly. I anticipated unprecedented ugliness so I dressed accordingly and I didn’t shave. I wore an Old Navy charcoal fleece jacket, black fleece sweatpants with a red stripe down the side and a skullcap with some kind of mythic bird of prey on it. My scarf was apricot. The Diesel jeans and Pumas stayed in the closet. If you’re going to explore the jungle you better look like the natives.

Believe it or not, I did not go home empty handed and it wouldn’t be a good day at the flea market if you didn’t haggle with one of the faceless ones. My first purchase was 5 avocados from a round-faced Mexican boy, whose adoring mother was looking on. They were a dollar each. I said to the kid “One dollar? How about 99 cents?” He smiled and shook me off. “No”, he said, “One dollar”. I was in the mood to haggle but to save 5 cents just didn’t seem worth it. I gave the little avocado tycoon five dollars. After this purchase I went outside to the cold winds where the real men had set up shop. I ran across a guy selling Mach 4 razors. I’m Greek so I need at least 10 blades on my razor to get a smooth shave. Right now they’re only at 4 blades. There is room for improvement. The technology has not caught up to the bamboo chutes coming out of my face every day. I said to the man, “How about $8 for these?” He was selling them for $9. He said “No. These are $16 in the store”. I said “Come on you don’t think I’m beautiful? How about $16 for two?” He laughed and gave them to me for $17. So I saved a cool dollar. It kind of made up for the fact that the Mexican kid screwed me out of 5 cents earlier. He gave me my change and asked for a tip. If I had tipped him I would have lost the $1 gain so I declined although I think he deserved it for amusing me. He bagged the two boxes of razors and my parting reply was “There are actually razors in these boxes right?” He really liked that one. I hope that exchange made his day. I will remember it fondly.

So unless you really like avocados or need to shave going to a flea market is a fruitless endeavor. Did you catch that pun? It was totally intentional. Unless avocados are vegetables, in which case, I have insulted punsters and botanists worldwide.

Flea Markets have the following to offer the weary shopper:
Ugly people
Bad products
More ugly people

I hope I have disencouraged you from going to these places.

Purveyors of Wisdom, Eaters of Avocados.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Your Definately Not A Good Speller

This is going to be short and sour. I realize the American education system is substandard and only slightly better in the rankings than the schools in Antarctica but you and you’re should not be confused.

YOUR – Pronoun. Possessive case of the pronoun YOU.

So if YOU possess an ounce of education you will not use it in place of the contraction YOU’RE

Examples of incorrect usage:
Your really pissing me off.
Your an idiot.
Your retarded.
Your quite the wordsmith.

Examples of correct usage:
Billy Ray this is YOUR vase. These are YOUR things.
Your blog is didactic and your tone is offensive.
Pardon, pardon but your dog is pissing on my shoe.

YOU’RE – a contraction of YOU ARE 
This is for lazy people who would rather not hit the space bar and then an A and for people who just really despise the letter A and want to see it in as few words as possible.

Examples of incorrect usage:
You’re tennis balls are lovely.
You’re llama has fine fur.
You’re ancestors spit on my haircut.

Examples of correct usage:
You’re the goods.
You’re the Duke of New York hey number one.
You’re quite possibly the greatest blogger in history.

The fly in the ointment:
UR – text message shortcut that can be used for YOUR and YOU’RE.
This two letter super word may be the future of the English language. Linguists cannot give it their seal of approval due to the fear of being ostracized by their peers but one day I think it is going to win the war.
If you use UR you can cleverly avoid the pitfalls of incorrectly using your or you’re.

I hope this has been a fun learning experience and one last thing….

Definately is spelled DEFINITELY. There’s no A in it so this should be good news for the people that hate the letter A.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Don’t Let Your Kids Grow Up To Be Musicians (part 2 of ∞)

October 31st – Helloween

So you want to be a musician? Are you sure?
Yes, aspiring musicians, this gig was hell musically, frustrating sexually and a transportation nightmare. The cracked pavement of our crumbling streets that I was forced to traverse was a metaphor signaling the barbarians are at the gates.

The Journey
It only took 75 minutes to get to the gig due to the fact that I got off at an exit a mile north of where I should have. Why you ask? Because my mind was overwhelmed by the disdain I have for Chicago expressways (an oxymoron) so I wanted out, like a guy that just got married, as soon as possible. An unsafe U-turn into on-coming traffic and I was back on the Snailway towards the most horrific excuse for a street in Chicago – Addison.
The gig was a few miles east of the exit, across the street from the greatest architectural abomination of the modern era – Wrigley Field. Unfortunately, every street going east from Addison to Irving Park, was infested with four-wheeled metallic insects. Single file they moved along at a pace that the Slowey turtles would have approved of to a final destination that would leave them unfulfilled, despairing of something better for their lives. Those Olympic walkers who look like drunk Emus when they move could have gotten to my destination quicker. The last few miles took as long to get through as the first twenty did. If “it’s the journey, not the destination” is true then we’re all screwed.

The Destination
This gig was epic in its lack of musicianship (we played like four kids from the short bus given random instruments and asked to “entertain” the social worker without tripping on the drool coming out of our ill-shaped mouths and liquifying the floor but alas we failed.) and for an amount of amazing long legs from the female of the species that I haven’t seen since the last Victoria’s Secret network special. There were at least 19 women wearing nurse outfits. I’m not talking about those hideous, acutely non-sexual scrubs that they really wear. I’m talking about this:

Porn Nurse – the only kind of nurse I want. I was praying to the Gods for some kind of disease. Nothing fatal, maybe a curable bout of leprosy or some kind of mutant shingles. Anything…please God I beg you. But then you come back to Earth (the horror!) and realize a real nurse would be middle-aged with pockmarked skin, a bad case of halitosis and weighing a significant amount more than the woman in the picture.

The Search For Sleep
I got home at 4 a.m. Why did you get home at 4 a.m. Mr. Disencouragement when the gig ended at 1:30 a.m.? Well because after a show you have to summon your inner teamster and breakdown and load gear into various cars and talk to people milling about afterwards, especially if they are wearing a nurse outfit. But the main reason is that the Snailway at 3 a.m. was down to one lane so it was like driving in rush hour traffic during a work week. I had to get off the Snailway and take side roads home. I don’t remember the particulars but I do remember stop lights turning red along the route for no reason. There weren’t cars coming the other way. It’s 3 a.m. after all. Then of course I got stopped by a freight train in Des Plaines. These blockades tend to anger a tired half asleep musician on his way home. I was so hungry by the time I made it to the promised land I seriously considered giving up vegetarianism and finding an all-night burger joint.

Suffer for your art kids!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Don’t Let Your Kids Grow Up To Be Musicians (part 1 of ∞)

I’m a musician and I have decided to chronicle the unfolding saga of my musical “career” gig by gig. The main goal is, of course, to stop you or your offspring from considering this as a money-making option. Let me make it clear that I play in cover bands. These are bands that play other people’s songs to entertain drunken patrons who do not want to hear songs they don’t know while they’re getting inebriated (shitfaced, pissed, sauced, plastered, Boris Yeltsin). If you don’t get paid playing an instrument then you are not a musician for the purposes of my crusade. So if you want to play in your garage along with your favorite records and do a really killer drum fill that is supposed to end on the “1” with a crash but ends up continuing for a few extra 16th notes, because you don’t know what a metronome is, keep at it. By the way, I will generally use drum references because I’m a drummer. If you’re a guitarist don’t worry about metronomes because none of you can play in time anyway.

October 25th – Gig opening for an AC/DC Tribute Band
Pre-show rigmarole:
The “leader” of the band wanted us to arrive at 6 p.m. because the contract said 6 p.m. load in. This was, of course, a ludicrous request which I completely ignored as sound check was at 8 p.m. and showtime 9:30 p.m.
On my way to the gig, he called me twice asking me if I was close to arriving. It was similar to having a really possessive girlfriend calling you at 2 a.m. asking where you are while you’re trying to have sex with another girl. Very annoying.
The point is if you’re not going to listen and become a musician don’t show up 4 hours before the gig to set up unless you want to get Boris Yeltsin before the show.
The other three members of my band did show up at 6 p.m. because they keep listening to the “leader”. If we were Dominicans I’d refer to him as Trujillo right now. Needless to say they were bored out of their little musical minds by the time I arrived at 7:30. I set up in 20 minutes and was ready with time to spare for the sound check. After that was done there was another hour of useless standing around. Obviously at 8 p.m. there is no one in the bar but the staff so if you’re one of those dudes that likes to hit on chix (I like to spell it with an ‘x’) you will be greatly disappointed.
The band was lifeless throughout. I imagined I was in that bar Obi-Wan took Luke and I was playing in the house band with a bunch of robots ("These aren't the droids you're looking for"). I spent half the show staring down at my snare drum. One of the architectural gems of this venue was that the stage was behind a load-bearing beam. That beam was right in the middle as you looked out. So it was obstructed view musical theatre. At one point I was watching the singer and it looked like he was serenading the beam. It didn’t respond to his advances. The stage lights above the drums shone down and reflected off my tom heads straight into my face. The glare from said lights smashed me in the face like a million suns. I needed SPF 80 but there was none to be found. A pair of sunglasses would have helped a lot but then we would have had to do that Corey Hart song or risk pretentiousness. I sweated profusely throughout that torturous hour and was worried that the thirty something white trash chix in the audience were going to smell me afterwards. As it turns out, I didn’t need to worry because I didn’t talk to any of them. That’s one of the myths you need to tell your kids about. Musicians don’t really get chix. Well maybe sometimes they do, but not as much as you think. Trujillo can get them but he’s tall, good looking and uses Magnums so I’m not sure if his musical skills have anything to do with it. It's a matter of great debate amongst the great unwashed artistic masses.

Friday, October 24, 2008

New Orleans

New Orleans! The jewel of the Mississippi. Fought over, bought and sold by legendary politicians and despots. It's the birthplace of Jazz (that's that sometimes obnoxious musical form we all pretend to like) and the home of a famous vampire.
New Orleans is called the Crescent City by residents but there is another nickname borne of bad novels and subsequent media creativity. That name is The Big Easy.

The city, by many accounts, is crime-ridden, corrupt, water logged and decimated by nature, poverty-stricken and thus the population has dwindled. Life there doesn't seem very easy. I am certainly no expert on the matter and have never been there due to my morbid fear of the swung triplet feel and Voodoo but I feel The Big Easy no longer applies to this place. A more apt name is The Big Difficult. New Orleans either needs to go back to being the Crescent City, which I feel is potentially divisive due to the fact that a crescent image stokes fear in Islamophobes and Selenophobes everywhere, or get a new nickname.

The campaign to stop calling New Orleans the Big Easy starts now. We must protect the misguided tourists, beatniks, wanderlusters, musicians, gypsies, medicine men and bedouins that might end up gravitating towards this mystical land thinking it's easy to live there.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Reply to English Speaking Tips from Renowned Scientist

Good evening to all the Disencouraged,

A gifted wordsmith has forged a witty reply to my original post (10/5/08) using his best hammer and anvil which he bought at Walmart who put hard working Americans out of business in the name of laissez-faire capitalism and causing rampant loss of....but I digress. (Sorry Ms. Rand!)
He works for peanuts (even though he spent $140,000 and 8 years of his life getting a BullShit, MoreShit and a Piled Higher and Deeper) at a large drug producing behemoth and in his spare time likes to pick apart my arguments. His main point is that language is dynamic, not static and flows like water (if you're a Taoist - if you're not, it flows like a canal that needs dredging) so people should be allowed to say "aint" and "I funna get crunk later holmes!"
I like to give unequal time to opposing viewpoints so I give you his reply to my diatribe on the evils of speaking the King's (not Elvis) English flippantly. In closing, the Mr. Pink font is....yeah not an accident.

I find your animadversion of our present vernacular to be quite illuminating however validated in a myopic and imprudent temper.

As I'm sure you, in your infinite wisdom, know that language is a dynamic entity ruled by various shaping influences which lend to language subtle nuances which become manifest in turns of idiomatic phrase, vernacular of the hoi polloi as differs from that of the bourgeoisie, colloquialisms, slang (Urban Dictionary), etc. In this fecund garden of the tongue we find the scarce fruit of many a permutation: that which has come to fruition is the culmination of plethoric pruning from the supple branch of speech.

For example, consider the hollow and rotting trunk of that once prodigious language whose aurelian flame has long since been extinguished (Alas! Luceo non Uro!), but whose progeny flourish and thrive. Could not Latin be saved? No. It simply became engulfed by the tide of mutability, to be seen in shadows but live nevermore.

Moreover, take into account the geographic influence on language; as a grain of salt dissolving in a swimming pool so too does language dilute proportionally to the distance from its origin of inception.

A second retort to your sardonic editorial regards an exceedingly interesting footnote to your ask vs. aks (axe) entry. Given the aforementioned condition that language is a malleable organism, it sometimes comes to pass that the continuum of change inevitably causes reversion. Does not the water in a swiftly moving river occasionally eddy back on itself causing little whirlpools amidst the pervasively puissant current? Aye, here’s the rub: approximately 500 to 800 years ago the correct English for “ask” was indeed “axe (aks)!”

See for yourself:


Language is indeed a fickle mistress. Who knows but that in a few hundred years the phrase “cynical Greek prick” may be a term of endearment.

One can only hope.

P. Adam Lukey IV, Esq.

Writer's Block

Once upon a time

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Impatient Passengers

Hello fellow public transportation rider. Why do you get up way before the train/bus stops risking injury to yourself and fellow riders? Have you visualized getting off this train (with the discipline of a Shaolin monk) so vividly and resolutely that it is not possible for you to sit your ass down until the train actually stops?
Recently one of these monks got up way before the stop for reasons unknown to us non-meditating Westerners. Unfortunately, unlike the actual Shaolin monks, who are schooled in all kinds of bad-ass Kung Fu, their wispy white beards floating through space and time as they lay an ass-whooping on any invader silly enough to breach their fortresses of solitude high in the Chinese mountains, this dude lost his balance like a gymnast from Krzygistan, who with her size 12 foot had no chance of staying on the balance beam (she was just there to compete for all the disenfranchised of the world), and fell headlong on a pregnant woman that looked like she was at least 14 months pregnant. His bulbous, semi-bald head (the Propecia is NOT working sir) hit her square in the middle of her belly. I was hoping her water would break and the discharge would drown unbalanced, balding Monk boy. But what if they had asked me to perform CPR? I wouldn't have done it under any circumstances. They could take away my membership like they did to Jerry and Newman for not saving the pool boy. I was fine with that. His fate turned out to be simply a level of embarrassment equal to giving your first public speech in high school freshman speech class. His face turned some sort of bizarre red color, almost purplish but not the least bit regal, and then this buffoon did actually speak and say he was sorry. We all looked at him like he was an alien, lost in the wilderness, unable to find the mothership. 
I've seen people trip over their bags, fall in a spiral holding on to a pole like a stripper but without the flexibility, skill or sexuality, careen to the other side of the car like a pinball, use another passenger as a cushion to break their fall, or hang on one of those one-hand loops and sway like a monkey orgasming after eating a catnip tainted banana.

The moral of the story is sit down until the train or bus stops. Don't worry you'll get off in time. It's almost a certainty. If I was George Zimmer I would guarantee it. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Questions for Cub Fans

Are you over the age of 25?
Do you live somewhere other than Wrigleyville?
Does your idea of a good time not include abusing alcohol to the point of blacking out, then sleeping with girls that are less than stellar physically (ugly), followed by a Sunday spent in a state of torpor equalled only by a hibernating bear?
Have you ceased discussing the good 'ole days in college (last year)?
Have you eschewed the backward baseball cap and flip-flops (dude no one wants to see your hideous feet) as a fashion statement?

If you answered YES to all of these questions, I have one last question for you.
Why are you still a Cubs fan?
Switch allegiances. Do it now. There are 29 other perfectly good ball clubs you can root for that actually have a chance of winning a championship in your lifetime.

--If you are a father do not let your son grow up rooting for perennial losers. A child's psychological maturation is a delicate matter. Why risk it by making the child a Cub fan? It is your duty as a parent that the child grows up in a positive atmosphere with a sense of pride. You cannot have pride if you root for the Cubs. You can't. Why do you think those people that frequent Wrigley drink so much? They are self-medicating. They know how it is going to turn out. 
--If you are a mother it is your sacred duty to stop your husband from destroying your child psychologically in perpetuity.
--If you are an uncle/aunt you must use subterfuge to switch the kid over to the Light Side. Ideas: Innocently buy him a Reds cap; an Ichiro jersey; a Marlin mug or best of all: take him to a Brewer or White Sox game. Both parks are close enough to your house and both were built after the Neolithic period unlike Wrigley.
--If you are a Godfather you need to avenge Sonny's death.

I hope you have been disencouraged from aligning yourself with the Cubs. Think about it. Deep down, where your logic is being suffocated like a skinny dude sixty-nining a 300 lb woman, you know I am right. Kids! Say no to drugs, drunk driving, and the Cubs. You will be infinitely happier and thus live longer. 

The Management

Sunday, October 5, 2008

English speaking tips


1) The word nuclear is pronounced nuclear and not nucular. Let me slow it down for you. It's noo-clee-er. Say it with me...noo-clee-er. Nuclear. Just because President Bush and Jack Bauer mispronounce it doesn't mean it's right. 

2) Coupon is pronounced koo-pon. Not Q-pon. Do you know why the product Q-tip is not pronounced koo-tip? Because it's not spelled Cou-tip. So get out your coupon (koo-pon), go to the store, and get that .50 cents off on Q-tips (not Cou-tips).

3) The phrase is "all intents and purposes" not "all intensive purposes". Please refrain from being retarded. Thank you.

4) Irregardless of what you may think, irregardless is not a word. The proper word is regardless. Do us all a favor and leave out the I-R. If you learn this skill you won't sound quite as stupid in conversation (although you probably are).

5) Do you like coffee? Do you ever drink expresso? If you answered yes you're a liar because it's "espresso" Starbuck not "expresso". Ahab is going to throw you overboard if you keep mispronouncing it. X marks the spot but is not included in the spelling of this drink. 

6) Have you ever axed someone a question? No, of course not. You can axe someone to death but you can't axe them a question. It's ask fool not aks. A-S-K. Pronounce the letters in the correct order. Thanks a lot!

7) You might read the first six and say "hey Mr. Disencouragement I could care less about your grammar tips." Well valued reader my reply to that is it's "I couldn't care less" not "I could care less". If you say you could care less you're saying that you do have some level of caring about the first six tips. So if you truly don't care to learn your mother tongue properly you need to say "I couldn't care less".

Your homework assignment is to see if Disencouragement is a word. 

Stop playing Guitar Hero, watching TV and texting that chick that doesn't like you and read something. Learn your language properly. 
For all intensive purposes you generally speak it okay. But I'm aksing you to study a little more. Irregardless of the fact that caffeine is bad for you and gives you a headache like a nucular bomb, drink some of that expresso you bought with your q-pon if you need to stay awake.

Loved by linguists everywhere!

Monday, September 29, 2008

An Open Letter to the Girl from Jessie's Girl

Dear Jessie's Girl,

You've made the wrong choice. You always do. Jessie is undoubtedly using you. He's shallow. He can get any girl he wants and soon you will be an afterthought. He only cares about your beautiful body.
I'm assuming your body is beautiful based on the Homerian ode written about you from Lovesick Fool that has become an integral part of the cover band culture if not American culture altogether.

The lovesick fool probably loves you. He would treat you very well most likely. I'm not sure why he would do this because you certainly don't deserve it but the guy's a lovesick fool so it's likely he would do your bidding for all eternity. Why not change your silly, self-defeating habits and go out with a guy that will treat you with respect for once?

Yeah I know. Jessie's exciting. He's got a motorcycle, plays in a band, has multiple dragon tattoos and he ignores you at just the right times. The lovesick fool likes sports and drives some non-descript junk heap made by GM. Boooring! It's no contest. But when you're 50 and your beauty is lone gone you will wish you had made a different choice.

I'm not here to judge you although it seems like I am. I'd bang Jessie too. The other guy's affections towards you show weakness thus eliminating him forever. It's such a turn-off when someone is attracted to you isn't it? I get it. Enjoy the path you've carved out for yourself.

Yours Truly,
'Bringing harsh reality on a daily basis'

An Open Letter to the Guy from Jessie's Girl

Dear Lovesick Fool,

Where can you get a woman like that? Answer: Anywhere
Know why? Answer: Because it's all the same bullshit friend.
Why do you torture yourself? You aren't going to get her. Ever. I don't care if you've been cool with the lines. It pains me to see you like this. If you were in the wild locking horns with Jessie you would be defeated resoundingly.
Do you know what Jessie is thinking about when he's with her? Answer: Not her
Do you know what she's thinking about when she's with Jessie? Answer: Not You
Actually she doesn't think about you even when you're talking to her.
I know you think that if you get someone like her you'll find that elusive happiness that is the Holy Grail of human existence. But you won't Sir Galahad. Happiness comes from within. She can't possibly satisfy you the way you can. So you get the fly out of the Vaseline buddy and get to work. The great love of your life is and always will be free internet porn. It is true, it doesn't lie, it doesn't demand money, it doesn't judge and it is always in the mood.

Yours Truly,
'Saving souls from false optimism every day'

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Suburban Cops

I urge anyone thinking of taking up this sorry excuse for a profession to cease and desist, put your arms up, get on your knees and face down on the pavement motherf#@#%$.
If you do not listen to the brilliant minds at Disencouragement.com you will be a pawn of the state, a bagman. Actually, you'll be a rook or maybe a knight. Well maybe not a knight. That's reserved for FBI agents and CIA operatives. Scumbags like that....
These guys are out prowling the streets simply to make money for municipal governments. They are thieves with a legal license to steal from you. Here are some examples class:

You have a tail light out. Oh you didn't know? F$#@ you pay me
Your turn signal doesn't work. Oh you didn't know? F$#@ you pay me
You cannot U-turn here. Oh you didn't see the sign hidden behind that tree? F#@$ you pay me.

You get the idea. They should have Thievery Corporation stenciled on the side of their fuzzy little cruisers but that name is trademarked to a really great band you should listen to. There is one sure way not to get a ticket from these worthless people: drive an expensive car like a Lexus or an Audi. You don't have to worry about getting a ticket if you have one of these cars. You'll get off with a warning. It's the poor man with the rusty 15 year old car who pays my friends. Always has, always will. Anyway, kids I could go on but a friend of mine tells me I'm as long winded as a Chicago politician so I'll end with a top 10 list.

I'm certainly not David Letterman by any means. I'm much poorer, less intelligent and possibly even uglier but I'm going to cheese it up and do a top ten list of things that are more useful than a suburban cop.

10) Carbon dioxide breathing apparatus for humans
9) Insulin injections for non-diabetics
8) A three dollar bill
7) Paris Hilton
6) A house without central heat on any planet-like object in the Kuiper belt
5) Tapeworms
4) A guitar with no strings
3) Pork marmalade
2) Unemployment
1) The president of the United States (wait no...he's less useful than anyone....sorry)
1) A shot of hemlock followed by a cyanide chaser

A big shout out to big city cops. You guys have better things to do than waste your time taxing your citizens for lights that aren't working. Bless you and stay safe.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Believe In Something Worse

It's actually "believe in something better" but we know that's wishful thinking and has no place at Disencouragement.com where optimism meets reality.

I see this ridiculous, meaningless statement tattooed on billboards, in print and on the side of buses. One of the many cell phone companies that is raping us monthly by making it a societal requirement to carry a phone around, so we can be within reach of any slave on the planet, has giving the green light to this slogan created by a slick advertising guru who lives in a posh pad high above the have nots and knows full well that only he is going to have something better.

"Believe in something better" is a great slogan if one wishes to stop people who aren't slick advertising gurus from buying units in tenement housing. It's a good slogan if your girlfriend is ugly or your boyfriend lives in tenement housing or owns a 94 rusty barely running Honda Civic Hatchback. It is not a good slogan for a cell phone company because cell phones cause cancer (okay that is probably very false and certainly unproven but it is powerful and if a lie is spoken often enough it can become truth - see any politician for confirmation of this law) and they also ring too much which causes people to stop listening to you when you're speaking to them. This is especially annoying on a date when you're trying to decide if this is the woman for you. You know...the one that's going to make your life miserable for the rest of eternity.

Cell phones are supposed to facilitate communication but in a strange way they block it like when you're talking to a girl in a bar and the slick advertising guru butts in and takes here away because...well he's a slick advertising guru. Look I'm not a Luddite. Technology is awesome. Without it where would I get my free porn? But cell phones have become a handcuff much like the wedding ring. Who cares about the live human being in front of me who is talking but will now be rudely interrupted by me so I can take this call? I really, really want to talk to the disembodied voice coming out of this little contraption in my pants that is slowly causing testicular cancer (okay that is probably very false and certainly unproven but it is powerful and if a lie is spoken often enough it can become truth - see any politician for confirmation of this law).

So anyway, the advertising campaign has the aforementioned stupid slogan and a picture of a cute little toddler in a box. This is fitting because the box signifies the prison that this kid is already in. He will grow up and he must have a cell phone by the age of five. He must.
Get them while they're young you scurvy corporate knaves. Are you old enough to pee without your mom helping you? If you answered yes you're old enough for a cell phone. The slick advertising guru says so.

I hear they are going to implant cell phones right in your ear pretty soon so you don't have to carry them around. You will be able to command it by talking to it. First you punch yourself in the left temple to activate it and then you can say stuff like "Text Frank Furlong" then there's a beep in your head and then you can dictate your text "Hi Frank, I can't take this fucking beeping in my head dude. They told me to believe in something better man. I believe I've been duped. Technology sucks except for free internet porn". Then say "Send text" and punch yourself in the right temple to turn off the phone.

Stop talking on the phone you pinheads. Use it to set up a meeting with your friends, acquaintances, etc. Talk to real people face to face like they do in other countries. Meet at a bar, a restaurant, a cafe, the zoo, an El stop, on a dimly lit street corner, in an alley, in a fleabag hourly motel, at his house (his wife's on vacation), at her house (her husband is cheating on her elsewhere) or on a park bench not inhabited by a guy using newspapers as blankets.

I'm not going to take my own advice because I'd rather be on the internet blogging or looking at free porn. Do as I say not as I do like your favorite politician. Good night and God bless the cell phone industry.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Quit Your Job and Live With Your Parents

You are going to fail. It's inevitable. I admit it is possible to get paid a ludicrous sum for staring at a computer screen and maybe doing a few v-lookups to make it seem like you are producing but in the end where will it get you?
1) You'll be saddled with debt because you have to afford that overpriced luxury vehicle you do not really need. I have a 15-year old rusty Honda civic hatchback. It gets me where I need to go (usually). Today the speedometer was not working properly so, as I was driving, I punched at the biodegradeableless plastic cover that was keeping that dial from feeling the full extent of my wrath, with my knuckles. It sprang into action at some point after that but then failed again later as if it was teasing me like a frigid woman would. Speaking of women....
2) You will be saddled with that overpriced woman that looks better than most right now but in ten years will look more similar to the Stay-puff marshmallow man who would have destroyed the world if those guys hadn't crossed the streams. She will make you buy a house you can't afford. She will make you fill that house with knick-knacks like that illegal cigar lighter from Cuba or that really cool monkey paw necklace from Vanuatu that was on sale at Pier One. Then the guillotine really falls. Kids. Lots of 'em. Children signify your death. Picture them in black robes carrying your coffin to its hole or better yet picture them whipping you as you carry the cross to Golgotha. You are now a martyr for a woman that probably does not love you and children that will suck your blood like an Anne Rice protagonist.
3) Does there need to be a three? You get the point. You're a slave. A paid slave. That's the worst kind because you think you're free. But you are not.

Quit your job and move in with your parents. If you dont like your parents quit your job anyway. Get one that you like. Society will brand you a loser because you work at Target or deliver dry cleaning to the woman from #2. Your biggest crime against other humans is that you will be free of ambition and that my disencouraged friend seems to be the biggest crime of all in our little Matrix.