Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Questions for Cub Fans

Are you over the age of 25?
Do you live somewhere other than Wrigleyville?
Does your idea of a good time not include abusing alcohol to the point of blacking out, then sleeping with girls that are less than stellar physically (ugly), followed by a Sunday spent in a state of torpor equalled only by a hibernating bear?
Have you ceased discussing the good 'ole days in college (last year)?
Have you eschewed the backward baseball cap and flip-flops (dude no one wants to see your hideous feet) as a fashion statement?

If you answered YES to all of these questions, I have one last question for you.
Why are you still a Cubs fan?
Switch allegiances. Do it now. There are 29 other perfectly good ball clubs you can root for that actually have a chance of winning a championship in your lifetime.

--If you are a father do not let your son grow up rooting for perennial losers. A child's psychological maturation is a delicate matter. Why risk it by making the child a Cub fan? It is your duty as a parent that the child grows up in a positive atmosphere with a sense of pride. You cannot have pride if you root for the Cubs. You can't. Why do you think those people that frequent Wrigley drink so much? They are self-medicating. They know how it is going to turn out. 
--If you are a mother it is your sacred duty to stop your husband from destroying your child psychologically in perpetuity.
--If you are an uncle/aunt you must use subterfuge to switch the kid over to the Light Side. Ideas: Innocently buy him a Reds cap; an Ichiro jersey; a Marlin mug or best of all: take him to a Brewer or White Sox game. Both parks are close enough to your house and both were built after the Neolithic period unlike Wrigley.
--If you are a Godfather you need to avenge Sonny's death.

I hope you have been disencouraged from aligning yourself with the Cubs. Think about it. Deep down, where your logic is being suffocated like a skinny dude sixty-nining a 300 lb woman, you know I am right. Kids! Say no to drugs, drunk driving, and the Cubs. You will be infinitely happier and thus live longer. 

The Management

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