Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Impatient Passengers

Hello fellow public transportation rider. Why do you get up way before the train/bus stops risking injury to yourself and fellow riders? Have you visualized getting off this train (with the discipline of a Shaolin monk) so vividly and resolutely that it is not possible for you to sit your ass down until the train actually stops?
Recently one of these monks got up way before the stop for reasons unknown to us non-meditating Westerners. Unfortunately, unlike the actual Shaolin monks, who are schooled in all kinds of bad-ass Kung Fu, their wispy white beards floating through space and time as they lay an ass-whooping on any invader silly enough to breach their fortresses of solitude high in the Chinese mountains, this dude lost his balance like a gymnast from Krzygistan, who with her size 12 foot had no chance of staying on the balance beam (she was just there to compete for all the disenfranchised of the world), and fell headlong on a pregnant woman that looked like she was at least 14 months pregnant. His bulbous, semi-bald head (the Propecia is NOT working sir) hit her square in the middle of her belly. I was hoping her water would break and the discharge would drown unbalanced, balding Monk boy. But what if they had asked me to perform CPR? I wouldn't have done it under any circumstances. They could take away my membership like they did to Jerry and Newman for not saving the pool boy. I was fine with that. His fate turned out to be simply a level of embarrassment equal to giving your first public speech in high school freshman speech class. His face turned some sort of bizarre red color, almost purplish but not the least bit regal, and then this buffoon did actually speak and say he was sorry. We all looked at him like he was an alien, lost in the wilderness, unable to find the mothership. 
I've seen people trip over their bags, fall in a spiral holding on to a pole like a stripper but without the flexibility, skill or sexuality, careen to the other side of the car like a pinball, use another passenger as a cushion to break their fall, or hang on one of those one-hand loops and sway like a monkey orgasming after eating a catnip tainted banana.

The moral of the story is sit down until the train or bus stops. Don't worry you'll get off in time. It's almost a certainty. If I was George Zimmer I would guarantee it. 

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