Monday, September 29, 2008

An Open Letter to the Girl from Jessie's Girl

Dear Jessie's Girl,

You've made the wrong choice. You always do. Jessie is undoubtedly using you. He's shallow. He can get any girl he wants and soon you will be an afterthought. He only cares about your beautiful body.
I'm assuming your body is beautiful based on the Homerian ode written about you from Lovesick Fool that has become an integral part of the cover band culture if not American culture altogether.

The lovesick fool probably loves you. He would treat you very well most likely. I'm not sure why he would do this because you certainly don't deserve it but the guy's a lovesick fool so it's likely he would do your bidding for all eternity. Why not change your silly, self-defeating habits and go out with a guy that will treat you with respect for once?

Yeah I know. Jessie's exciting. He's got a motorcycle, plays in a band, has multiple dragon tattoos and he ignores you at just the right times. The lovesick fool likes sports and drives some non-descript junk heap made by GM. Boooring! It's no contest. But when you're 50 and your beauty is lone gone you will wish you had made a different choice.

I'm not here to judge you although it seems like I am. I'd bang Jessie too. The other guy's affections towards you show weakness thus eliminating him forever. It's such a turn-off when someone is attracted to you isn't it? I get it. Enjoy the path you've carved out for yourself.

Yours Truly,
'Bringing harsh reality on a daily basis'

An Open Letter to the Guy from Jessie's Girl

Dear Lovesick Fool,

Where can you get a woman like that? Answer: Anywhere
Know why? Answer: Because it's all the same bullshit friend.
Why do you torture yourself? You aren't going to get her. Ever. I don't care if you've been cool with the lines. It pains me to see you like this. If you were in the wild locking horns with Jessie you would be defeated resoundingly.
Do you know what Jessie is thinking about when he's with her? Answer: Not her
Do you know what she's thinking about when she's with Jessie? Answer: Not You
Actually she doesn't think about you even when you're talking to her.
I know you think that if you get someone like her you'll find that elusive happiness that is the Holy Grail of human existence. But you won't Sir Galahad. Happiness comes from within. She can't possibly satisfy you the way you can. So you get the fly out of the Vaseline buddy and get to work. The great love of your life is and always will be free internet porn. It is true, it doesn't lie, it doesn't demand money, it doesn't judge and it is always in the mood.

Yours Truly,
'Saving souls from false optimism every day'

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Suburban Cops

I urge anyone thinking of taking up this sorry excuse for a profession to cease and desist, put your arms up, get on your knees and face down on the pavement motherf#@#%$.
If you do not listen to the brilliant minds at you will be a pawn of the state, a bagman. Actually, you'll be a rook or maybe a knight. Well maybe not a knight. That's reserved for FBI agents and CIA operatives. Scumbags like that....
These guys are out prowling the streets simply to make money for municipal governments. They are thieves with a legal license to steal from you. Here are some examples class:

You have a tail light out. Oh you didn't know? F$#@ you pay me
Your turn signal doesn't work. Oh you didn't know? F$#@ you pay me
You cannot U-turn here. Oh you didn't see the sign hidden behind that tree? F#@$ you pay me.

You get the idea. They should have Thievery Corporation stenciled on the side of their fuzzy little cruisers but that name is trademarked to a really great band you should listen to. There is one sure way not to get a ticket from these worthless people: drive an expensive car like a Lexus or an Audi. You don't have to worry about getting a ticket if you have one of these cars. You'll get off with a warning. It's the poor man with the rusty 15 year old car who pays my friends. Always has, always will. Anyway, kids I could go on but a friend of mine tells me I'm as long winded as a Chicago politician so I'll end with a top 10 list.

I'm certainly not David Letterman by any means. I'm much poorer, less intelligent and possibly even uglier but I'm going to cheese it up and do a top ten list of things that are more useful than a suburban cop.

10) Carbon dioxide breathing apparatus for humans
9) Insulin injections for non-diabetics
8) A three dollar bill
7) Paris Hilton
6) A house without central heat on any planet-like object in the Kuiper belt
5) Tapeworms
4) A guitar with no strings
3) Pork marmalade
2) Unemployment
1) The president of the United States (wait no...he's less useful than anyone....sorry)
1) A shot of hemlock followed by a cyanide chaser

A big shout out to big city cops. You guys have better things to do than waste your time taxing your citizens for lights that aren't working. Bless you and stay safe.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Believe In Something Worse

It's actually "believe in something better" but we know that's wishful thinking and has no place at where optimism meets reality.

I see this ridiculous, meaningless statement tattooed on billboards, in print and on the side of buses. One of the many cell phone companies that is raping us monthly by making it a societal requirement to carry a phone around, so we can be within reach of any slave on the planet, has giving the green light to this slogan created by a slick advertising guru who lives in a posh pad high above the have nots and knows full well that only he is going to have something better.

"Believe in something better" is a great slogan if one wishes to stop people who aren't slick advertising gurus from buying units in tenement housing. It's a good slogan if your girlfriend is ugly or your boyfriend lives in tenement housing or owns a 94 rusty barely running Honda Civic Hatchback. It is not a good slogan for a cell phone company because cell phones cause cancer (okay that is probably very false and certainly unproven but it is powerful and if a lie is spoken often enough it can become truth - see any politician for confirmation of this law) and they also ring too much which causes people to stop listening to you when you're speaking to them. This is especially annoying on a date when you're trying to decide if this is the woman for you. You know...the one that's going to make your life miserable for the rest of eternity.

Cell phones are supposed to facilitate communication but in a strange way they block it like when you're talking to a girl in a bar and the slick advertising guru butts in and takes here away because...well he's a slick advertising guru. Look I'm not a Luddite. Technology is awesome. Without it where would I get my free porn? But cell phones have become a handcuff much like the wedding ring. Who cares about the live human being in front of me who is talking but will now be rudely interrupted by me so I can take this call? I really, really want to talk to the disembodied voice coming out of this little contraption in my pants that is slowly causing testicular cancer (okay that is probably very false and certainly unproven but it is powerful and if a lie is spoken often enough it can become truth - see any politician for confirmation of this law).

So anyway, the advertising campaign has the aforementioned stupid slogan and a picture of a cute little toddler in a box. This is fitting because the box signifies the prison that this kid is already in. He will grow up and he must have a cell phone by the age of five. He must.
Get them while they're young you scurvy corporate knaves. Are you old enough to pee without your mom helping you? If you answered yes you're old enough for a cell phone. The slick advertising guru says so.

I hear they are going to implant cell phones right in your ear pretty soon so you don't have to carry them around. You will be able to command it by talking to it. First you punch yourself in the left temple to activate it and then you can say stuff like "Text Frank Furlong" then there's a beep in your head and then you can dictate your text "Hi Frank, I can't take this fucking beeping in my head dude. They told me to believe in something better man. I believe I've been duped. Technology sucks except for free internet porn". Then say "Send text" and punch yourself in the right temple to turn off the phone.

Stop talking on the phone you pinheads. Use it to set up a meeting with your friends, acquaintances, etc. Talk to real people face to face like they do in other countries. Meet at a bar, a restaurant, a cafe, the zoo, an El stop, on a dimly lit street corner, in an alley, in a fleabag hourly motel, at his house (his wife's on vacation), at her house (her husband is cheating on her elsewhere) or on a park bench not inhabited by a guy using newspapers as blankets.

I'm not going to take my own advice because I'd rather be on the internet blogging or looking at free porn. Do as I say not as I do like your favorite politician. Good night and God bless the cell phone industry.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Quit Your Job and Live With Your Parents

You are going to fail. It's inevitable. I admit it is possible to get paid a ludicrous sum for staring at a computer screen and maybe doing a few v-lookups to make it seem like you are producing but in the end where will it get you?
1) You'll be saddled with debt because you have to afford that overpriced luxury vehicle you do not really need. I have a 15-year old rusty Honda civic hatchback. It gets me where I need to go (usually). Today the speedometer was not working properly so, as I was driving, I punched at the biodegradeableless plastic cover that was keeping that dial from feeling the full extent of my wrath, with my knuckles. It sprang into action at some point after that but then failed again later as if it was teasing me like a frigid woman would. Speaking of women....
2) You will be saddled with that overpriced woman that looks better than most right now but in ten years will look more similar to the Stay-puff marshmallow man who would have destroyed the world if those guys hadn't crossed the streams. She will make you buy a house you can't afford. She will make you fill that house with knick-knacks like that illegal cigar lighter from Cuba or that really cool monkey paw necklace from Vanuatu that was on sale at Pier One. Then the guillotine really falls. Kids. Lots of 'em. Children signify your death. Picture them in black robes carrying your coffin to its hole or better yet picture them whipping you as you carry the cross to Golgotha. You are now a martyr for a woman that probably does not love you and children that will suck your blood like an Anne Rice protagonist.
3) Does there need to be a three? You get the point. You're a slave. A paid slave. That's the worst kind because you think you're free. But you are not.

Quit your job and move in with your parents. If you dont like your parents quit your job anyway. Get one that you like. Society will brand you a loser because you work at Target or deliver dry cleaning to the woman from #2. Your biggest crime against other humans is that you will be free of ambition and that my disencouraged friend seems to be the biggest crime of all in our little Matrix.