Thursday, September 25, 2008

Suburban Cops

I urge anyone thinking of taking up this sorry excuse for a profession to cease and desist, put your arms up, get on your knees and face down on the pavement motherf#@#%$.
If you do not listen to the brilliant minds at you will be a pawn of the state, a bagman. Actually, you'll be a rook or maybe a knight. Well maybe not a knight. That's reserved for FBI agents and CIA operatives. Scumbags like that....
These guys are out prowling the streets simply to make money for municipal governments. They are thieves with a legal license to steal from you. Here are some examples class:

You have a tail light out. Oh you didn't know? F$#@ you pay me
Your turn signal doesn't work. Oh you didn't know? F$#@ you pay me
You cannot U-turn here. Oh you didn't see the sign hidden behind that tree? F#@$ you pay me.

You get the idea. They should have Thievery Corporation stenciled on the side of their fuzzy little cruisers but that name is trademarked to a really great band you should listen to. There is one sure way not to get a ticket from these worthless people: drive an expensive car like a Lexus or an Audi. You don't have to worry about getting a ticket if you have one of these cars. You'll get off with a warning. It's the poor man with the rusty 15 year old car who pays my friends. Always has, always will. Anyway, kids I could go on but a friend of mine tells me I'm as long winded as a Chicago politician so I'll end with a top 10 list.

I'm certainly not David Letterman by any means. I'm much poorer, less intelligent and possibly even uglier but I'm going to cheese it up and do a top ten list of things that are more useful than a suburban cop.

10) Carbon dioxide breathing apparatus for humans
9) Insulin injections for non-diabetics
8) A three dollar bill
7) Paris Hilton
6) A house without central heat on any planet-like object in the Kuiper belt
5) Tapeworms
4) A guitar with no strings
3) Pork marmalade
2) Unemployment
1) The president of the United States (wait no...he's less useful than anyone....sorry)
1) A shot of hemlock followed by a cyanide chaser

A big shout out to big city cops. You guys have better things to do than waste your time taxing your citizens for lights that aren't working. Bless you and stay safe.

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