Monday, September 29, 2008

An Open Letter to the Guy from Jessie's Girl

Dear Lovesick Fool,

Where can you get a woman like that? Answer: Anywhere
Know why? Answer: Because it's all the same bullshit friend.
Why do you torture yourself? You aren't going to get her. Ever. I don't care if you've been cool with the lines. It pains me to see you like this. If you were in the wild locking horns with Jessie you would be defeated resoundingly.
Do you know what Jessie is thinking about when he's with her? Answer: Not her
Do you know what she's thinking about when she's with Jessie? Answer: Not You
Actually she doesn't think about you even when you're talking to her.
I know you think that if you get someone like her you'll find that elusive happiness that is the Holy Grail of human existence. But you won't Sir Galahad. Happiness comes from within. She can't possibly satisfy you the way you can. So you get the fly out of the Vaseline buddy and get to work. The great love of your life is and always will be free internet porn. It is true, it doesn't lie, it doesn't demand money, it doesn't judge and it is always in the mood.

Yours Truly,
'Saving souls from false optimism every day'