Monday, September 22, 2008

Believe In Something Worse

It's actually "believe in something better" but we know that's wishful thinking and has no place at where optimism meets reality.

I see this ridiculous, meaningless statement tattooed on billboards, in print and on the side of buses. One of the many cell phone companies that is raping us monthly by making it a societal requirement to carry a phone around, so we can be within reach of any slave on the planet, has giving the green light to this slogan created by a slick advertising guru who lives in a posh pad high above the have nots and knows full well that only he is going to have something better.

"Believe in something better" is a great slogan if one wishes to stop people who aren't slick advertising gurus from buying units in tenement housing. It's a good slogan if your girlfriend is ugly or your boyfriend lives in tenement housing or owns a 94 rusty barely running Honda Civic Hatchback. It is not a good slogan for a cell phone company because cell phones cause cancer (okay that is probably very false and certainly unproven but it is powerful and if a lie is spoken often enough it can become truth - see any politician for confirmation of this law) and they also ring too much which causes people to stop listening to you when you're speaking to them. This is especially annoying on a date when you're trying to decide if this is the woman for you. You know...the one that's going to make your life miserable for the rest of eternity.

Cell phones are supposed to facilitate communication but in a strange way they block it like when you're talking to a girl in a bar and the slick advertising guru butts in and takes here away because...well he's a slick advertising guru. Look I'm not a Luddite. Technology is awesome. Without it where would I get my free porn? But cell phones have become a handcuff much like the wedding ring. Who cares about the live human being in front of me who is talking but will now be rudely interrupted by me so I can take this call? I really, really want to talk to the disembodied voice coming out of this little contraption in my pants that is slowly causing testicular cancer (okay that is probably very false and certainly unproven but it is powerful and if a lie is spoken often enough it can become truth - see any politician for confirmation of this law).

So anyway, the advertising campaign has the aforementioned stupid slogan and a picture of a cute little toddler in a box. This is fitting because the box signifies the prison that this kid is already in. He will grow up and he must have a cell phone by the age of five. He must.
Get them while they're young you scurvy corporate knaves. Are you old enough to pee without your mom helping you? If you answered yes you're old enough for a cell phone. The slick advertising guru says so.

I hear they are going to implant cell phones right in your ear pretty soon so you don't have to carry them around. You will be able to command it by talking to it. First you punch yourself in the left temple to activate it and then you can say stuff like "Text Frank Furlong" then there's a beep in your head and then you can dictate your text "Hi Frank, I can't take this fucking beeping in my head dude. They told me to believe in something better man. I believe I've been duped. Technology sucks except for free internet porn". Then say "Send text" and punch yourself in the right temple to turn off the phone.

Stop talking on the phone you pinheads. Use it to set up a meeting with your friends, acquaintances, etc. Talk to real people face to face like they do in other countries. Meet at a bar, a restaurant, a cafe, the zoo, an El stop, on a dimly lit street corner, in an alley, in a fleabag hourly motel, at his house (his wife's on vacation), at her house (her husband is cheating on her elsewhere) or on a park bench not inhabited by a guy using newspapers as blankets.

I'm not going to take my own advice because I'd rather be on the internet blogging or looking at free porn. Do as I say not as I do like your favorite politician. Good night and God bless the cell phone industry.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Brilliant. I'm loving it. Just fix the typo in the 3rd paragraph 'cause you sound like an idiot: "and the slick advertising guru butts in and takes her(e) away."