Thursday, June 11, 2009

Nature Series – The Woods

Apparently, there are people who enjoy walking around aimlessly in the woods. Maybe these people feel disconnected from nature. Maybe they feel the urge to see the king’s deer. They’ve heard about them. They may have even eaten one of them on occasion. But to actually see one or put a bullet in one; that is ecstasy.

Do you feel disconnected from nature? Concrete is also nature. I know it doesn’t really seem like it is but trust me it is. Nature made concrete for feeble, out-of-shape, easily infected, soft and pasty skinned beings like you. Use it! Why walk in mud, risk being infected by poisonous vegetation, animal waste or blood-sucking insects with pincers designed specifically to pierce your weak, not-ready-for-the-forest flesh? I like walking as much as the next biped but walking in the forest is unnecessary, dangerous and ultimately an act of trespass. Let’s face it; the forest is for animals incapable of abstract thought and not for us. Now I am aware that many humans are also incapable of abstract thought but I am generalizing here to make a point. You have no business being in a forest as a human unless you are going to rape it by cutting down its trees to make packaging for products you don’t need, kill its animals to feed your carnivorous blood-thirsty craving for a venison burger or burning it to make way for strip malls and cookie-cutter, box like aluminum sided housing that you can sell for exorbitant prices to unsuspecting capitalists that actually believe that they now “own” a home.

There’s a reason people used to live only 30 years back in the dark ages. It’s because they lived in the forest and died quickly because even then humans could not withstand infected meat, the elements, disease-carrying insects or rabid creatures out for their blood. Even then they needed concrete and mass deforestation techniques. They didn’t have them but you do. Take advantage of the extra 40 or 50 years progress has afforded you.

 If you like disease carrying ticks, mosquitoes, animal feces, twisted ankles, bird noises, bone-chilling dampness, rodents, coyotes, wolves, country bumpkins firing guns indiscriminately, poison ivy, poison mushrooms, dead diseased birds, rotting, smelly animal carcasses or mud the forest is the place for you.

Do you really want this thing on your body?

I suggest you find a nice concrete walk in your local park or preserve making sure the trees and all the critters that inhabit them are a safe distance from your weak constitution. 

Forest Ranger

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