Why Chicago Sucks (Part 1 of 3 )

I live in Chicago and I consider it to be a sub par city for at least 13 reasons. There are probably more but I'm going with 13 because of the superstitious significance. The goal of this series of articles is to get you, the woeful, miserable Chicago resident to see the light (not easy in sunless Chicago) and figure out a way to move to a better place. The first 4 reasons are included in this post entitled aptly Why Chicago Sucks (Part 1 of 3).

The Highest Sales Tax in the Universe – Yes it is true. The Hubble telescope could not find a higher sales tax anywhere. The county board and city hall cannot continue their illustrious history of graft, payoffs, nepotism and cronyism without more money from you, the consumer. As a matter of fact, if the Hubble telescope is pointed at Chicago there is a law that allows the Cook County board to tax the telescope, all the people that created it and their progeny for the next ten generations. I hope those telescope operators are infertile. I’m going for a vasectomy right now.

The Most Awesomest Weather Anywhere –
Winter (winter) – Winter exists in Chicago almost every day. Even in the other seasons. In the winter the sun is banned for the most part. Even it thinks the taxes are too high. Instead we have these amorphous gray clouds that are obviously angry about something. I believe they are upset about being in Chicago and once they blow into Indiana they turn white again and allow the sun to be seen. Well okay maybe not Indiana. They probably turn white when they get to Europe. There is also a lot of wind. So if it’s 25 degrees outside it might be bearable somewhere else. But in the Hell that is Chicago there is a nice lake breeze that makes it feel like you are doing a penguin march in Antarctica. Chicago is mind and body numbingly cold. There is no way to sugar coat it. If you tried it would snow and wet the sugar, which would freeze it solid like cement and then you would slip on it, and break your neck.
Spring (Winter) – The spring in Chicago is actually a lesser form of winter. It still snows but now there is also freezing rain and hail. That’s ice balls being thrown at you from some pissed off Olympian God who resides in those gray clouds. The temperature barely gets above freezing. During the spring, you can finally stop wearing long johns, boots with steel cleats, two wool hats, more long johns, thick woolen scarves and gloves bigger than soccer goalies wear. You stop wearing these things because you become optimistic. When you go outside you realize you’ve made an error but it’s too late.
Summer (Winter) - Even in the summer it’s like winter because you can’t go outside due to the intense heat and humidity so you stay inside and crank the air conditioning, which can sometimes feel like winter. The other days it just rains.
Autumn (Winter) – Sometimes it snows in autumn. Sometimes it is really hot so you turn on the air conditioning which makes it feel like it should snow in your house. Sometimes it is the same as spring with the freezing rain and hail. Leaves do fall during this period. It is the only evidence that it is a different season from the other three. Sometimes autumn is autumn but mostly it's just winter in disguise.

365 days of winter is your fate in this god forsaken city.

Public Transportation – This deserves its own blog entry and I am going to work on that. Anyway, if you like watching three or four buses come to a stop within a minute of each other and then no other bus shows up for 30 minutes then Chicago is your mass transit heaven. We have a train here called the Brown line (a fitting name). It is on a rickety, 6000 year old elevated track above the frozen tundra. It was designed, ingeniously, to snake around every corner to minimize its speed. The urban non-planners did not want to get commuters home too fast because Chicago looks really lovely from 30 feet above the ground. You can see all the dirt, garbage, black snow and segregated slums a lot better from up there. Many of these train lines go into what’s called The Loop where, you guessed it; they drive around in a loop downtown at very high speeds…if you’re a turtle. If you want to feel close to death then ride on a Chicago El train. It’s like an amusement park ride but without the safety.
Chicago’s mass transit system is an abomination. It is the ugly stepchild locked away in the attic. It is the gristle on your steak. It is a dental patient that just ate an Oreo. It is an electric powered rectal exam. It is like defecating in one of your cooking pots because your toilet doesn’t work. There are cities in Botswana with better transportation systems. Have you seen those buses in Venezuela and Panama that allow people to carry their livestock on board? Those are preferable to the CTA. Have you seen those trains in India where people ride hanging out the side or on the roof of the cars? Better than the CTA.

Segregated Neighborhoods – No matter what color your skin is Chicago has neighborhoods for you to live in where you can feel like part of the tribe, loved by your own kind and where you will never, ever have to befriend or learn about people of other races, religions or countries. That’s one of the great things about Chicago. It’s all-inclusive as long as you include yourself in a neighborhood with others of your ilk.

Did you rent that U-Haul yet? No? Okay fine. To be continued.....

Matrimony and Waterloo Are Related

Many Nobel price winning scientologists have found striking similarities between the Battle of Waterloo and the institution (for the deranged) of marriage. The paper published recently in the Journal of War and Marriage has been edited here (dumbed down) in a neat and easy to read bulleted presentation for the modern reader who has neither the time nor inclination to do any serious thinking on the subject. The main points are as follows:

1. Belgium is boring and confusing (should I speak Flemish or French? Flemish or French? Oh mon Dieu! Oh mijn God! Oh just forget it I’m going to Paris) and so will your life be once you shackle yourself to another human no matter how hot or rich they are and even if they aren’t from Belgium.

2. Waterloo was the end of Napoleon’s rule as Emperor. In effect, he was castrated. Marriage will be the end of your sex life. In effect, you will be castrated.

3. Napoleon wed himself to the idea of attack in hopes of stopping a coordinated invasion of France (pronounced Frahns). You will wed yourself to the utterly false assumption that a spouse, children and mounting debt will make you happy.

4. Napoleon lost his throne on the blood-drenched fields of Waterloo. You will sit on your throne wondering why your bathroom needs $500 Picasso prints and scented candles that cost $50 and why, ultimately, it is nicer than your whole apartment was when you were single and why that isn’t making you happier and why Belgium doesn’t just have a civil war to settle this Flemish/French thing once and for all.

5. Napoleon, in his infinite hubris, stated, “This affair is nothing more than eating breakfast”. You, in your infinite hubris, think that having breakfast every day with a bunch of screaming kids and a spouse you will eventually not love or respect is the correct course of action for the rest of your life. Once you realize the error, you will combat it by having an affair that will probably involve breakfast and subsequently many lies and cover-ups.

666. Nostradamus considers Napoleon the first anti-Christ. They’re both French so maybe they were just feuding over some jolie fille named Francine or Isabelle. On the fields of Waterloo, the anti-Christ fought. On the fields of marriage you will fight with the anti-Christ. That will be your spouse. Eventually it will lead to divorce, dissolution of assets and a back-breaking unhappiness not seen since Firefly was cancelled by the newest anti-Christ – Fox.

What you will look like once married:



In essence, what I am trying to get through to your brainwashed mind is that marriage will be your personal Waterloo. It is the end of days. It is the Elves leaving Middle-Earth. It is Apocalypse Right Now. A sad, sad day as a worthy, free being leaves us and is replaced by a married non-being who no longer retains any personal freedom because it has been signed away in order to form a partnership. They always say don’t form a partnership in business with a friend or you will lose that friend.

Disencouragement.Com
Try The Beef Wellington

The 10 Commandments Revised for the Modern Age

1. You shall have no other gods before me unless it is the god of the Mindless Pursuit of Money, Sex and Power no matter whom it hurts.
2. You shall not make for yourself an idol unless it is the blind worship and unquestioning belief in your lying, two-faced immoral leaders.
3. You shall not take the Lord’s name in vain unless you are shouting it out loud right before you murder innocent people in His name.
4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Listen to their records every Saturday while you’re watching college football. (note 1)
5. Honor your father and mother unless they pawn you off to some Salvadoran nanny, stick you in some day care center to be raised by strangers or verbally berate you until you have lost all confidence and have no chance of being a productive member of society.
6. You shall not murder unless you are an elected leader of a nation or trying to fulfill the requirements of Commandment #1.
7. You shall not commit adultery unless your spouse is unsatisfying, cold and distant or you find someone much younger, sexier and hotter.
8. You shall not steal unless you are a corporate executive, Wall Street market manipulator, or a politician.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor unless you are a politician looking for reasons to go to war or you are an embezzling corporate executive trying to make a deal with a District Attorney to get a sentence reduced/receive immunity from prosecution.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife unless your wife is like the one in Commandment #7 and your neighbor’s wife is hot. You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor unless you are a politician and can a) use the law of Eminent Domain to take it away from him b) use the strength of your armed forces to murder him and steal his wealth and natural resources or c) tax him into bankruptcy.

(1) Personally, I prefer the records with Ronnie Dio (that means God in Italian – I think Ronnie is breaking commandment 3) singing but the Ozzy records are solid as well.

What have we learned children? It seems that politicians are generally exempt from the moral codes set forth by biblical tradition. So I disencourage you from pursuing jobs that force you to follow these antiquated rules. Politics is the way to go if you want to live a life of happiness and immorality. All the sex, money and power you desire can be yours. Just speak with a forked tongue, prevaricate, and equivocate. That is the path to riches, high-class dames, thirst-quenching power and a higher state of being – inhumanity.
Go out and join every political party you can. One of them will take you. The sheep is always a prized possession.

Disencouragement.com
Fighting the Good Fight

Jogging

What is the point of doing this?
Is it to so you can wear the latest Body Armour fashion and prance around the neighborhood like an antelope to show us your bony ass? Do you know why it’s bony? It is because you’ve burned off all body fat and now you look like Keira Knightley if she were on a diet.

Is it to train for a marathon?
The guy that originally ran the marathon did it to tell the Athenians that the Persians had been defeated. He died afterwards. Do you want to die running a distance that is based on a legend that is probably not true? Did Paul Revere run to warn of the movements of the foul British redcoats? No he used a horse. Why didn’t this Greek guy use a horse? My guess is because he was an idiot like the people that jog in my neighborhood when it’s 15 degrees outside (Not Celsius).

Is it to attract a mate? You have other options:

• Make a lot of money.
• Get breast augmentation.
• Botox your lips.
• Put a cucumber in your pants a la Derek Smalls.
• Stop being a picky bitch
• Get a chick magnet car like a 1994 Honda civic hatchback.
• Get a prostitute
• Have a good personality
• Internet Porn – This is the best mate of all. Right hand down.

Is it for health reasons?
Jogging is a foolish activity that will lead to physical problems. Here are a few:

1. Mucus buildup – Admittedly, there are men who admire a bony ass but there are none that I am aware of that are attracted to mucus. The word itself is repugnant. What if a food were named Mucus? I’d like a Mucus sandwich and a diet coke please. Would you eat that?
2. Knee problems – Contrary to some medical journals, it is widely believed that you do need your knees to be free of ligament damage and the chronic pain caused by having the pressure of your body weight fall upon them repeatedly as you show off your new trendy headband to the adoring neighbors.
3. Ankle problems – The force from the idiotic activity called jogging on your ankles is 3 to 5 times your body weight. Now I realize for the bony ass people this is only 150 lbs but it’s still three times your body weight. Eat something dude!
4. Professional athletes die younger – Using the Pythagorean theorem this means that jogging is a slow form of suicide. If you encourage other humans to do it then it’s pesticide which is actually one of the few benefits of jogging.
5. Death – This is the 2nd worst physical problem you can get. The worst is erectile dysfunction. Jogging can stop your heart. Just ask Jim Fixx and the myriad of marathoners that have died while trying to equal the feat of a mythical Greek messenger.

Disencouragement.com strongly advises against this activity. It can only lead to your ruin. We strongly suggest that you enter a 12-step program to wean yourself off jogging.
The 12 steps are easy to memorize.
Step 1 through 12 – DO NOT JOG

Disencouragement.com
Endorsed by The Knee and Ankle Foundation
Not Endorsed by the Grim Reaper and Knee Surgeons

5/3 Bank (Fifth Third Bank)

Mistake #1:
If you’ve had a grade school education then you know that the fraction 5/3 said out loud is five thirds not fifth third as these bozos would lead you to believe. How many American children, who are woefully undereducated and generally considered one step above the Dodo by the rest of the world, going to learn proper mathematics when faced with an evil banking giant saying this fraction is pronounced fifth third? It’s either Five Thirds Bank or One and Two Thirds Bank. Fifth Third Bank is not an option and should not have been allowed by Delaware when they received the incorporation papers from these people. Delaware would let the Devil incorporate but that’s another post.

Mistake #2:
The proper way to pronounce this bank’s name is Five Thirds Bank or One and Two Thirds bank. But you see the problem here don’t you? How can a bank be 1 and 2/3 bank? How did they manage to glue on 2/3 of a bank to their existing bank? They didn’t. A bank can only be 1/1 Bank. So they can call themselves One Oneth Bank. Even if they bought 2/3 of a bank and added it to their original lame bank it’s still considered one entity by the business community and thus the bank has to be called One Bank or 1/1 Bank. If they want to be clever I guess they can call it 3/3 Bank (Three Thirds Bank) or 5/5 Bank (Five Fifths Bank). You get the idea.

Mistake #3:
You put your money in this bank thus funding, albeit indirectly, the systematic and immoral dumbing down of the children of America.

Mistake #4 (disclaimer):
You have taken this post seriously. 5/3 Bank’s balance sheet may be stronger than Magnus Ver Magnuson for all I know. I’m sure it’s a great bank. The name is stupid and I’m sure they probably agree although they wouldn’t admit it. Please don’t make a run on the bank’s deposits due to their inability to understand simple fractions. It's the marketing people's fault. Those are the ones that crashed out of basic Finance classes because they were scared of math. I’m sure their accounting department is very good and has a firm grasp of basic mathematics. I plan on opening a checking account there soon because I support rampant nation wide stupidity, which will eventually lead to a totalitarian regime that will run our lives and smash all our current perceived freedoms.


Disencouragement.com asks you to please, for the love of God, bank with confidence. Give your money to the rich so they can lend it out at higher rates and get richer. That’s what makes America great: dumb children and rich bankers.
Rejoice Everyone!

Hotness Pays

This can apply to acquiring the best husbands or having an easier time becoming a model, actress, singer or high-class whore but I am referring to regular jobs in this case.

Recently, I went to a furniture wholesaler to pick up some pieces for a customer. There was a pen of clerks taking orders, doing accounting and other menial tasks that serfs of this type do. It was all women except for one asexual 5 foot Filipino dude who at one point uttered these historic words: “I didn’t know Quiznos delivered?” Well it seems they do.
I believe he was hired because they thought he was a woman. This is just a hunch of mine. It is purely in the theoretical phase right now. No one in the pigpen was even remotely attractive. These girls would have really been right at home at the flea market.

Across from the pigpen was an office with a large window. Inside this office sitting behind beautiful, shiny oak desks with large LCD monitors in front of their angelic visages were two extremely hot, young women. Is it coincidence that the beautiful girls had their own office? Am I to believe that they were put there on accident? Maybe they were the daughters or relatives of the owners? Maybe they were bright college graduates that were managing this business. Or maybe they are doing the same job as the ugly people and maybe they are worse at it but because they are gorgeous, thin and fashionable they got promoted simply because they looked better.

I looked at them through the glass but not for long because I reserve my libido for Internet porn. It was like being at the zoo and viewing an exotic big cat from Sri Lanka or some other unknowable country. They were behind the glass. Untouchable. Unapproachable. Perfect physical human specimens. They were like the ladies at court and the clerks were their maids. That’s what it felt like to me but what do I know? I was just another one of those ugly serfs viewing the more fortunate in their towers made of gold.

This incident reminded me of a time in college when I saw an ad from one of the big accounting firms with the pictures of all the people they had hired from my school. There wasn’t one ugly girl in the whole lot. Not one. I wouldn’t lie to you.
I recently worked at a very young start-up company where mostly pretty young girls were hired. Most of them were short-bussers and had no business being hired to do anything. The guys running the place didn’t care. They wanted eye candy, not production.

If you want to succeed in the business world, intelligence and hard work can definitely get you places, but if you really want to get hired and move up easier you better be hot or you’re probably going nowhere. If you want to marry the man of your dreams: tall, successful, and charming you better be hot. So if you are not hot I suggest giving up or becoming a coal miner or something similarly unhealthy.

This whole good looking thing may work for men as well but I’m not gay so I don’t have any insights.

Be disencouraged today!

Believe In Something Worse (part 2)

Our favorite cell phone company has a new billboard. This time, instead of the kid in a box symbolizing the prison we all live in, we have two fools competing over which one gets the longer half of the wishbone. I don’t need to tell you what happened. It split evenly down the middle and so both of them will now “believe in something better”.

How can the universe grant two wishes at once? Two winners at the same time? No way. There has to be a balance. Someone has to win and someone has to lose. It’s yin and yan, black and white, Montagues and Capulets, dogs and cats, Paris and Nicole. Our favorite cell phone company is misrepresenting the rules of the universe to sell more cell phone contracts. We cannot let this aggression stand. We need a counter campaign explaining that the Gods of Chaos will not rule our lives. There must be Law. And the law is: only one person gets a wish from a chicken bone.
Also, PETA is extremely upset about this add. An actual chicken was killed and the wishbone extracted with an unwashed hand to get this ad photographed. Do not screw with PETA or they will throw flour or eggs on you. Of course, if they throw eggs aren’t they killing unborn chickens? Discuss.

Cell Phones = Human Bane

And yes I am a huge hypocrite because I have one. That doesn’t lessen my disdain. I am their slave too. We will be emancipated. The Lincoln of our times will show up and abolish this for something better. Maybe that’s what the ads mean? Hmmm.

In conclusion, I’d like to report seeing a woman take a left turn out of a strip mall, drive straight into the median, jump the curb and run completely over the sign that was there. See the Do Not Enter sign on this median? This is a good example of what she ran over.


She killed this poor thing. Ripped it right out of the concrete. Then she gets back on the actual road but instead of just driving on she stops and gets out of the car presumably to see if the sign is all right. It wasn’t. This is all I witnessed. You’re probably wondering how it is possible to miss the road and run over a sign bolted to the concrete of the median dividing the road aren’t you? Your mistake is in assuming that this stupid woman was actually looking at the road and had both hands on the wheel. Neither of these things happened. She had one hand on the wheel and one hand on a…CELL PHONE!!!!! See her conversation with her friend about why her husband didn’t find her attractive anymore was more important than personal safety so she killed the poor sign and tomorrow she’ll do it all over again and who knows? She may kill an actual person next time. Hopefully, it’s not you.

Brought to you by Disencouragement.com and The Abolish Cell Phones from Automobiles Society